Learning To Forgive
by hnnaus
Summary: What if Bella didn't forgive Edward right away after Italy?
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns everything from the Twilight Saga.

"Learning To Forgive"

Prologue

Edward. That name meant more to me than my whole being. He is all I ever think about. He has affected every thought and action in my life since I met him. But now, I do not know what to think. His actions the past few days have gone against everything I have believed over the past few months, and his words in the forest are incomprehensible. On the rare occasions that I allow thoughts of that dreadful day in the forest to creep into my thoughts, the hole in my chest rips open just a little more. I do not know how far I can go before I completely split in two.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns everything from the Twilight Saga.

Chapter1. Separation

Alice, Edward, and I are speeding out of Volterra, Italy after the decision of the Volturi. Alice stole another car and is now driving at speeds I don't want to know. I am sitting in the back seat on Edward's lap. The pathetic thing is that the hole in my chest is healed to the point where one wouldn't believe it was ever there; thanks to his arms being tightly around me. Correction: it feels as if it was never there at all. The unfortunate truth is that he left and everything did in fact happen. I want to forgive him. My heart already has, but my mind won't let me forgive him. My mind is full of doubt and mistrust. This is how I came to the decision to get off his lap and fight for whatever was left of me.

I fought my need for him by staring out the window, into space. I allowed my mind to go blank, even though there were a million questions I should be asking. I had planned to distract myself this way for some time…but Alice had other plans.

"Bella!" Alice said with exasperation.

"Umm…what?" I said questioningly. The curtains were still closing on my inner monologue.

"I asked you a question."

"Oh, sorry, I was kind of off in my own world."

"Anyway, I _cannot_ seem to get a flight that will not conflict with the sun until tomorrow. I just wanted you to know that we are getting a hotel room to stay in tonight and a part of tomorrow. Okay?"

"Okay," I said, barely keeping the slight quiver out of my voice. I didn't know if my resolve with him could hold or not.

I looked up at Alice, hoping for some kind of relief. Her eyes were full of confusion and sadness. She closed them, hinting she was having a vision. When she opened her eyes, she looked anxious. I didn't understand the change.

I hadn't looked at Edward since I put the slight separation between us. I knew he was staring at me. He hadn't taken his eyes off me yet. I was not ready to look at him; I knew I would get lost in the depths of his eyes. It would only hurt more when his guilt faded away. I am exhausted, both physically and emotionally. I need sleep or at least an escape of some kind from my life…

I didn't fall asleep, nor was I conscious. I drifted in and out of reality during the rest of the drive to the hotel. The sudden jolt from the car coming to a halt brought me back to life, if that is what you want to call it. I reached for the handle to get out, but the door opened before I could get to it. I slowly got out; the long drive had left me achy and short-tempered. I kept my head down not wanting to make eye contact with him. Once I was a safe distance away, I looked up towards the hotel. My mouth dropped and I was spell-bound. The hotel was beautiful, to say the least. The architecture was obviously from the Renaissance period.

I was pulled out of my reverie by the sound of Alice and Edward arguing. I was sure their discussion, which consisted of growling and hissing at one another, had something to do with me. I should probably care when I'm being spoken about in third person, but I was suddenly hit with a plague of fatigue. All I wanted to do was to get some sleep.

I stood there waiting for a few minutes before Alice startled me. I hadn't realized they had stopped bickering. Alice took my hand and briskly walked to the elevator, basically dragging me there. She seemed to be in a hurry, but I had no idea why. We made it to the elevator in what seemed like an Olympic record time. She tipped the elevator attendant after we got off on the top floor. We got to our room and Alice quickly shut the door. She led me to the black leather couch dominating the main room. I sat down rather abruptly, turning to face Alice. She slid closer to clasp my face between her palms.

"Bella, please, tell me what you are thinking? The future is blurry and confusing, and it has been like this since we got in the car." She paused for a second and then pleaded: "Let me in. Tell me what is wrong, Bella." I looked over to the door worriedly.

"He won't be up here for a few minutes; I gave him the wrong credit card. I needed some time to talk with you one on one." She smiled and mumbled something about his temper going along with his unruly hair. Then, Alice got very serious. "Now, do you want to tell me what is wrong or am I going to have to force it out of you?"

I didn't know what to tell her. I was silent. I begged her with my eyes to understand my pain and longing. I still loved him with all of myself, but I did not trust him. The question is what is love without trust?

"Bella, I know you are hurting, but keeping it inside is not going to help. Let me help you or let him in, because you haven't even looked at him. He is not doing well and he is not hiding it. This silence from you is killing him as much as it is you." She was begging me to understand, but I could not.

She asked hesitantly, "Could you promise me something?" I nodded. I would do anything for her, especially after everything she has done for me.

"Please, let him say what he has to say, or at least look at him." Before I could respond, the door knob turned and I halted to the sound of his velvety voice.

"Alice," he growled. "You gave me the wrong credit card. I had to use my old one."

Once he was inside, his eyes darted around anxiously like he was looking for something valuable he had lost. When his eyes landed on me, it seemed he had found what he was looking for. His eyes softened but grew terribly sad. For that moment, I allowed myself to get lost in the depth of his eyes. I had to force myself to look away. I took a couple of deep breaths to calm myself but his scent was engulfing me.

I addressed Alice, "Ummm…I think I am going to try to lie down and get some sleep."

"You should eat first; let me get you something from room service. It will only take a minute." Alice said.

"I am really not hungry, Alice." I then heard a small but growing growl from behind me.

"Shhh, Edward!" Alice said with annoyance.

"Bella, you really should eat. You can rest while you wait on your food. I will take care of everything." She said this with a patronizing tone.

I gave her an icy glare. I did not like being talked to like a child, but I was too tired to argue.

So I nodded and Alice let out a breath of relief.

I went to lie on the black leather coach in front of the wide screen television. I turned it on to stay awake. I flipped through the channels hoping to distract myself. After a few moments, my mind began to wander down paths I didn't want to take. What was I going to tell Charlie? I have already put him through so much. I tensed at the thought of Jake. He should hate me. He deserved better than the false hope of me. I was already too broken to begin with.

I sat there thinking while I pretended to watch T.V., aware of his proximity to me. He drew closer without thinking. He was staring and his body was turned towards me in a half protective and possessive crouch. It was almost like we were connected. I quickly shook the thought out of my head.

"Here is your food." Alice said. I didn't see or hear her come over. Come to think of it, I didn't even hear room service knock on the door. I must have been lost in my thoughts. It reminded me of my zombie period. I hugged my chest as I remembered the pain.

I then remembered my manners, "Thank you, Alice." I failed to keep the aforementioned quiver out of my voice.

"Edward, enough!" Alice whispered in agitated voice. I don't think they thought I was listening. A frustrated huff came from him.

"Are you alright?" Alice asked questioningly.

Of course I wasn't alright. The love of my life doesn't love me. I have to become an immortal and be alone for the rest of my existence! But I replied with a soft "fine." I sat up and ate quickly. Alice had ordered everything off the menu it seemed, there was even escargot. I rolled my eyes at her while I pointed at it.

"Alice, I am going to go bed now, okay?" I said after I was done.

"Okay, Bella, remember your promise." She said with sadness.

"I will try, okay?" I replied.

"Okay."

"Goodnight, Alice."

"Goodnight, Bella."

"Goodnight, Love." Edward said with longing. I stilled again at the sound of his voice. He started walking towards me. How dare he, after everything that happened? I made it into my room before he made it to the door. As I turned around to close the door, he was right there at the archway. He opened his mouth to say something. I could not deal with this pain, nor did I have the patience to ease his guilt. I slammed the door in his face as loudly as I could while I mouthed my apology to Alice.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns everything from the Twilight Saga.

Chapter2.

My dreams are filled with unearthly darkness, chilling air, and silent bleakness. They torment me during the night and continue to haunt me through the day. It is a never ending battle I have with myself every minute of my life. I knew tonight would be no different, but I feared it would be worse…

_I am aimlessly running in a labyrinth of an eerie forest. The only sound is the beating of my racing heart. I am running from something that will end me, but I am not scared of the overwhelming destruction of myself. I would welcome the relief of death, if I was not running to him. My last request was for him to save me one last time. It would prove to me that I meant something to him._

_ I stop for a moment to catch my breath. Then, I see him and he is more beautiful than I remembered. I push myself to run faster but fail. Whatever is chasing me is running faster. _

_ "Edward!" I scream hoping he would save me._

_ "Help me!" I scream again, but my voice is lost in the wind. He turns around and looks at me with black coal eyes full of guilt and sadness. He is shaking his head "no" with pity._

_ "No, Edward, please I need you!" I try again but he is stepping away from me. He is always just out of my reach. I never deserved him. He was an Adonis and I am Bella an ordinary plain Jane._

_ "I am sorry Isabella, but I do not love you. You are not good for me. Goodbye, forever." He turns away from me and walks away._

_ Then, I was engulfed by darkness. I screamed and sobbed uncontrollably trying to ease the blistering hole in my chest. I came to a realization that nothing would help. I could scream and cry till the earth ended but it would not bring him back or ease the pain. I gave up and let the pain consume me till I became numb once again…_

I slowly started to come out of my numbness. It was disorienting. Someone was shaking and pleading for me to wake up. I was done and there was nothing out there for me. That someone was now screaming for me. They did not understand that I wanted to disappear into the darkness. I wanted relief from my pain. I opened my eyes to tell whoever to let me be.

When I opened my eyes, I was desperate for him. My mind was giving me the only thing I needed. So, Edward was before me with love and longing in his eyes. It was all I ever wanted even if none of it was real. I planned on enjoying every second I had with him even though I knew it would slowly destroy me later.

His hands were still strongly holding on to my shoulders after shaking me. I needed more so I wrapped my arms around him and pushed myself closer to him. He responded by pulling me to tighter to him. His head was down and it shielded his face from me at that moment. He moved to put his head into the crook of my neck. His movements resembled desperation. I wanted to see him so I could understand his source of depression. Then, he began to shake uncontrollably. Edward shuddered with the sobs breaking through him. His pain was my pain for I am Edward as Cathy is Heathcliff. I let his sorrow consume me. We clung together as one until the clouds of my dream-like façade dispersed.

Realization came slowly back to me as I became aware of my surroundings. I knew things needed to be said between Edward, myself, and even Alice. The truth was I was not ready for it. To be honest with myself, I am too scared to confront my fears and insecurities, but I needed to get home to Charlie for his sake and mine. I needed to think with out Edward's persona blocking my thoughts and feelings.

I started to detangle myself from Edward's arms but was stopped by his unexpected reaction. Almost painfully, his arms clapped around me and pulled me impossibly closer.

"No." He said with desperation while his head shacked in the crook of my neck.

I tried to calm him by stroking his wild copper hair but it calmed me more than him. I pleaded to Alice with my eyes for her help. She understood and took a step to intervene but was stopped by Edward. He growled a very loud and possessive growl that I have never heard him use before. It was primal and territorial. I had never seen him so animalistic and out of control. I did not understand the change in his attitude. I looked around to see what could have upset him but the only thing that was happening was Alice slowly walking towards us. As she approached, Edward's growls grew more fierce and intense. All of a sudden, she stopped.

"Talk to him… let him understand because he will not let me get any closer." Alice said.

I took a deep breath to prepare myself. I took his head between my hands and for the first time I looked straight into his eyes. Once our eyes met, he relaxed and calmed down.

"Edward, I need you to let me go. I am not ready for this and too much has been left unsaid. Will you let me go?"

He shook his head no. "Please talk to me now. I can not stand to have this separation between us, please." He pleaded to me.

"Edward not right now, if you remember, _you_ are the one who wanted the separation. We will talk when I get home but right now I need space. This is too overwhelming for me and I have already been through so much." I said with weariness and exhaustion.

He slowly let me go. His touch was if he would never get the chance to hold me again. I could already feel the hole in my chest start to sting. When there was space between us, he returned to a statue-like pose. He tried to hide his guilt from me, but his eyes gave him away. I knew I was causing him pain but his pain did not make sense. He was the one who wanted our relationship to be no more.

I needed to think with only me to guide myself and time to allow me to rest. I had questions that needed answered. I knew I could forgive him but could I ever trust him again. I was afraid that answer was no.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns everything from the Twilight Saga.

Ch.3

I was never so unsure of my future than after I forced him to leave my hotel room. There were too many decisions to be made and uncertainties that were known that were causing hostility in my life. When he left, I knew what the pain and longing would do to me. I was like a wind-up toy. Everyday I would wind myself up and try to get through the never ending days. As it went on, I slowly died and lost the will until I could move no more. In the first weeks, I did not even bother to seek or pretend to have a life I felt worth living.

After he slammed the door, all I could do was stare at it. What was I doing? I needed and craved his love but I could not face him. His belief of responsibility towards me and his guilt would kill me where the Volturi and Victoria had failed. His actions these past days are bewildering, and I do not know how to console him nor understand him.

I realized Alice was still with me in the room. I needed and trusted her to give me some answers. I knew that I should be angry with her too because she had left me also. She told me that I was her sister. Images of Carlisle and Esme came to mind. They had always said I was a daughter to them. How does a family leave a daughter behind? I had too many other things to deal with at the moment. I tucked this thought to the back of my cluttered mind to deal with later. My emotions were at its maximum capacity. I pulled out of my musings by Alice's sudden break of the silence around us.

"Bella, I am sorry for everything. You need to know that I will be here for you whatever you decide. I will always be here and I am not going away. For what it is worth none of us are leaving you ever again." Alice said with conviction.

"Thank you, that means a lot to me." And it did, it meant the world to me even with my doubts.

Silence filled the air again. If Alice could cry she would have been. She was opening and closing her mouth as if she were about to say something but she could not seem to get the words out. I went over to her and hugged her like I was making up for all the times that I had wished she had held me, and for all the times I had needed her to help me fight through my pain. I needed her know more than ever.

"Alice?" I questioned while hoping that she could give me some answers that I desperately desirable.

"Why is he…acting like this? His lies and unknown truths run through my head, and I can not decipher them. Our love used to be so simple and pure. What happened to us? What happened to me? Where is the love that he promised me? Everything hurts. He destroyed me, Alice!" I was sobbing uncontrollably and I was hyperventilating.

"Sshh Bella everything will work out. I will explain everything that I know but some of the things need to come from Edward. Ok?"

I nodded but at the same time I anxious of the answers to come.

"Ok, did Edward ever refer to you as his mate?" Alice asked but she seemed to already know the answer.

"Umm…not really but it was kind of implied. We referred to each other as boyfriend and girlfriend even though we knew at the time it was more than that." I replied flatly.

"Exactly, Edward always tried to be more human for you and shunned his vampiric side of him. He never truly came to terms with you being his mate."

"You mean he did not believe…" I could not get out the rest.

"No, no, of course not, he always knew you were the one. He just refused to deal with that side of him. You know of his problems with his self-loathing." Alice quickly answered.

"I do not know where you are going with this."

"After believing that he had lost you, he came to terms with all of himself. He went to Italy because he had lost his _mate_ his everything. He loves you, he always has, and forever will."

"But his actions?"

"Bella, he is paralyzed with fear of losing you. This is harder on him now than it was when he thought you were dead. He fears that he lost you for good. That he will forever wait in the shadows of your life. It is his worst nightmare for you to hate him. You will have to excuse him for his actions. Right now, he is running purely on his instincts. He desperately desires anything from you."

"What do I do, Alice? So much has happened and I can not seem to think straight. His recent behavior and what you just told me are disorienting at the moment. I feel…lost." I hoped Alice knew what I was trying to say because I did not understand half of it myself.

"Bella, you are not alone in this. Take it one step at time and please talk to us. Do not allow your mind cave in on itself again, because I am afraid that we will lose you for good."

I promised Alice that I would not let myself become a zombie again. I not only made her that promise but to myself as well. I took a moment to calm myself.

While looking at the door I asked, "What is he doing right now?"

"He has been pacing endlessly in circles since you forced him out. He has been trying to break the barrier to your mind for the past 15 minutes and it is frustrating him to know end." She gave a slight chuckle to ease the tension in the air that had been building up. She continued on more seriously with, "He is desperate and frightened, too. Do not forget that." Then she started walking toward the door to give me some privacy but paused before opening it. She turned towards me.

"For what it is worth, my brother loves you never doubt that." Alice said. Her honesty and sincerity left me speechless. Leaving on that note, she told me that our plane would me be leaving for the airport in a few hours.

I decided to take a shower. After showering, I closed my eyes but never really fell into unconsciousness. It seemed like minutes before she was knocking on my door to alert me of our departure. I was scared, actually scared did not cover it. I was being a coward once again.

"Bella, if you do not come out we will miss our plane. I miss Jasper and I will force you out if I must. Edward here is getting on my nerves as well."

I knew she meant well but I did laugh at her remarks and the agitated growl she got him to use. I went to the door to open it, because I knew that I would never truly be prepared. I could not hide from him forever, and I will have to face some time. I was frightened for what the final outcome of our situation would be. Would the last ties of our relationship be severed?


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns everything from the Twilight Saga.

Chapter 4

I hurried and grabbed my only bag that I had packed in my rush for Italy before I opened the door. I kept my head down and counted the speckles in the carpet as I walked towards Alice. I was avoiding his presence by keeping as much distance as possible while avoiding his deep and agonizing eyes. I was a coward and hated myself for it. Alice gave me a comforting hug and whispered words of reassurance.

Alice held my hand as she led the way. I would of ran into a wall or worse fallen down a flight of stairs cause I was not paying much attention to my surroundings. I made it to the lobby and eventually to the car with no interference from him. I only knew he was there because of the electrifying current between us that I felt while we were close. The connection used to make me happy and full of love, because it represented how connected we were. Now, it was only a remembrance of the eternal heart break that I endured every day. The stimulating current burnt the holes in my chest. It was like pouring salt on a newly cut wound.

At the car, I contemplated heading toward the front passenger seat. I was hoping to talk to Alice about nothing in particular to ease my mind, and at the same time being able to achieve the space I needed. Of course, it would not be that easy. When was it ever easy? Just as I took my first steps toward the other side of the car, he roughly grabbed my arm and pulled me closer to him. I knew he wanted me to sit in the back with him so he could win me back. This was a battle he was going to lose.

"Where do you think you are going?" Edward stated almost angrily but it was underlined with anxiety.

"I want to sit up front." I rebuked back simply trying to avoid the evident reasons of my proposal. Innocence was crucial to getting what I needed.

"Alice, sit in the back. I am driving." He retorted dominantly.

"No, I am driving. You can sit in the back." She gave it right back to him. The look she gave him was one that should not be crossed. I loved Alice.

"Fine, Alice!" He growled. He resembled a defiant child but I probably did as well when I took my seat up front.

The ride to the airport was uneventful. Alice and I talked lazily about nothing important. She asked about school and the latest gossip. I wanted to have answers to give her, but I had nothing to offer. I had been a zombie for much of their time gone, and I did not want to talk about Jake for many obvious reasons. Edward tried to talk to me, but I would only answer with silence. I was not purposely ignoring him, but I did not know what to say at this point in time. Everything was such a mess.

The airport was packed but Alice and her stupid physic abilities found a parking spot in no time. It would have taken me hours to find a spot. As soon as the car was parked, he was out the door. My seat belt was not even unlocked before he opened the door for me. Even in emotional turmoil, he was a gentleman. I got out of my seat ignoring his outreached hand. I nodded my head with a silent thank you while avoiding eye contact. He grunted with frustration and shut my door with a little more force than needed. I almost turned around to chastise him about his temper but thought better of myself not to. Alice took my hand once again and led us to where we needed to be for our flight. It was extremely crowded because we had a slight layover. It is beyond me how she found three open seats within a row.

The layover was extended and everyone including myself was beginning to get frustrated. Alice patted my knee in understanding. It seems the airline overbooked and needed a few people to give up their seats. Over the intercom, they were announcing that they would provide for all inconveniences and a first-class ticket on the next flight that left tomorrow. I straightened up in my seat thinking of the possibilities. I could give them a break from me and still get back to Forks. I would not have to watch him walk away from me, and I could lie to myself saying that I would see him later after everything cooled down. I started to get out of my seat and over to the front desk when Alice came running from down the row of seats while pushing me back down.

"Absolutely Not!" Alice practically growled.

"Why? I can make decisions for myself Alice, thank you very much." I had enough of being told what I could and could not do.

"For one, he would never let you on that plane by yourself, and he would have thrown a fit if he knew what you were planning just know. He will not let you out of his sight without a fight. There is only so much I can do, Bella. His emotions are everywhere and your avoidance of him is not helping. He is so deep in thought over how to win you back that he has completely blocked everything out. That is why he did not see my previous vision." She sighed in what seemed to be in exhaustion if that was possible.

She started up again.

"Trust me if he had seen my vision, there would have been a scene. I know you want some space, but you are going to have to wait until we land in Seattle. Consulting Carlisle will be crucial, because otherwise he will not stay away. To be honest, I do not know if he can be kept away from you in his current state. I will do everything I can to help you. I am on your side and have been since day one." Alice stated seriously without her previous sugar coatings.

"Okay and thank you" I meant it, but I sighed with defeat.

"Alice, how is he blocking everything out? He used to complain about the constant noise." I asked curiously

"He is focusing solely on your hidden thoughts hoping to some how break the barrier. He is getting very frustrated." She began to laugh towards the end and I did, too. It was for some reason funny how she air quoted barrier.

Boarding of the plane started a few minutes later, and I was prepared to fly coach. I should have known better. Not only did we fly first class, but we had priority seating. We were the first to be seated. I shook my head in disbelief after I glared at Alice for spending that kind of money on me. I hated unnecessary expenses.

I had hoped for the window seat but Alice directed me toward the middle. I sat heavily in my seat with both emotional and physical exhaustion. I tried closing my eyes but I kept seeing the loving golden eyes I yearned to see again. I looked over quickly hoping to see them in reality instead of my dreams. His eyes were black as pitch. They held guilt and some kind of hidden longing. His guilt caused me more pain than anything. He tried to hold my gaze desperately but I quickly closed my eyes. I turned around towards Alice and leaned my head into my seat finishing any connection for the day. I hoped he would get the signal that I did not want to talk right now.

"Bella?" Obviously not. He tried to take my hand but I moved it away. He closed his fist tightly causing his knuckles to turn white.

"Bella, please." He tried again. His voice sounded desperate and defeated. I cringed from the sound of his pain. I opened my eyes and mouthed to Alice to make him stop. Alice then looked up to Edward and shook her head no. I heard him fall back into his seat with a sad groan.

It was going to be a long flight over the Atlantic Ocean. I tried to make myself relax even though my emotional turmoil. I really wished Jasper were here. I wanted to get a good look at Edward's face before I tried to get some kind of sleep.

His head was lying against the back of his chair as if he was sleeping. He looked odd fully peaceful with a slight smile on his face. I did not understand the sudden change, because he had been so grim. I noticed out of the corner of my eye that his right hand was moving. It was tapping a peculiar beat. I figured he was listening to someone's music but I recognized the beat. He was listening to my heart. All the barriers that I had built up around him fell for an instant. I knew then that he did love me and I could forgive him in time. There was still a long road to go before we would ever get back to where we were, but for once in a long time I felt hope.

**I hope you like my story so far and reviews make my day. It also makes me write faster with causes a chain reaction to faster updates. So please review ! Thanx**


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns everything from the Twilight Saga.

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**Sorry for the wait, i hope you enjoy! ~ hnnaus**

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Chapter 5

I continued to watch for as long as I dared. I did not want to risk getting caught. My heart was beginning to speed up with all the new emotions running through me. It was haunting me and I was not ready to deal with them now as I had told myself many times before. I had to wait to figure everything out later without interference from anyone. This had to be my decision. It was my responsibly to decide my future and mine alone.

I turned around away from him quickly and let my barriers build around me for now. He had noticed my movement but did not try to speak to me. I was thankful for his silence. His hand glided over my hair once, and then he returned to his previous pose. His touch caused me to shudder. I wished I could have retreated into him. I yearned for the security of being held in his arms. The fear of the old ways kept me from buckling into my desires. I could not let him take all the responsibly over me and allow my insecurities to silence my voice. I feared a repeating cycle of the torture we put ourselves throughout our separation. The fear kept me immobilized.

For the rest of the trip, I danced through states of consciousness and unconsciousness. The small roar of the plane engine was a quiet like lullaby allowing me to sleep while keeping me aware of where I was at all times. We changed flights in New York and walked right on to our next flight. I did not know how much more layover time I could take. My state of mind stayed constant to Seattle. I slowly came aware as our plane descended.

"Bella, wake up." Alice whispered into my ear while giving me a slight push. I heard Edward give a soft growl toward Alice.

"Edward, she was going to have to wake up soon anyway." She stated matter of factly with a hint of annoyance. Both of them had such a short temper.

"I was already awake, k? There is no need to fight." The sarcastic side of me gave me a high-five. I internally shook my head at myself, just wow.

Very shortly after, our plane landed. We were the first people out since none of us had any luggage other then our carry-on bags. Alice led the way with me lagging behind her. Edward seemed to be obsessively shadowing me. I suddenly became very anxious to get home.

I should have expected the welcoming party of the whole Cullen family but it took me by surprised. Esme was the first to approach me. She gave me a hug while pulling me away from Edward and thanked me over again for having the courage to save her son. I mumbled to her half-heartedly that there was no need to thank me but she refused. She moved in to give me another hug but I swiftly moved backed not wanting to feel anymore pain.

"Bella, what is a matter?" Concern laced her voice.

She did not seem to understand my reluctance of her, but I was surprised by my own actions to her, too. I thought the pain in my chest was caused by Edward but it was all of them. They each took a piece of me. I had looked up to Esme like a daughter would look up to their mother. She had told me that I was a daughter to her. She abandoned me. How could she do that to me and expect me to treat her as if nothing happened? It did happen and I was not going to just let it go.

I have grown strong maybe cold is a better word choice since their departure from my life. I am not just going to let them push me around and make decisions for me. I may not be as strong as them but mentally I am their equal. I am tired of being treated as a child.

My mental hassling of myself gave me the confidence to speak to Carlisle of the separation I needed. I glanced over to Carlisle and he was busying talking to Edward in what seem to be a stern voice. My proximity to them did not allow me to understand as to what they were saying. I walked over to him wanting to get this over.

He stopped whatever he had been saying to Edward as he saw me approaching.

"Bella, I want to thank you so much for bringing my son back. How are you feeling? You look exhausted." Always the doctor, he was right of course. Life is exhausting. Life is hard. Death is easy.

"I'm fine, but I need to talk to you and Esme privately and I really need to get going." I tried to keep my voice as steady and unmoving as possible but it deterred towards the end.

"Of course, we can talk in the car unless you would like to rest or would you prefer another venue?" He said curiously with slight concern.

"That's fine." I tried to keep my voice even but I felt like I was shaking from the inside out.

Not everyone had reconnected, but we left shortly after toward the cars. I felt Edward coming up behind me. He reached for my hand to escort me but I swiftly navigated toward Alice. It was easier to pretend to ignore him than to face him. I could never truly ignore him, because I was always aware of his overwhelming presence. I had to disregard him if I intended to go through with what I felt needed to be done.

Rosalie and Emmett were waiting by the two cars. Emmett smiled towards me. I tried to return a smile but I was sure I failed. Both Emmett and Rosalie grimaced. I turned my attention to Carlisle and Esme as I followed them to the Mercedes. I stiffened as I realized that Edward was following me. I turned to confront him.

"Edward, no. Not now please." I tried to keep stern even though my knees wanted to buckle from the force of his presence.

"Please, I need to be able to see you. Would you look at me?" Sincerity and longing laced his voice.

I shook my head no.

"I am riding with you and that is final." He said angrily letting his temper get the better of him. He could be such an arrogant child.

"Edward, you need to ride with the others tonight. I am not asking you. I am telling you." Carlisle's stress leaked through. I had never heard him raise his voice before. It was intimidating and it was not to be messed with.

Edward ignored him briefly pleading with me one last time before walking away in defeat.

"Thank you." I whispered to both Carlisle and him.

I got in the back of the car and laid my head back allowing me to rest for a moment. It was going to be a long drive. There was no need to rush into the difficult conversation I needed to have with Carlisle. I let my mind wonder to nothing of importance for the sake of some peace. I continued this till we were on the highway heading towards Forks.

"Bella, I can't imagine what you have been through. For what worth, we are all so…" I cut Esme off.

"Stop! You are right. You do not know what I have been through. So please don't apologize for something you do not understand. No more explanations or whatever, I can not take anymore tonight." I hated showing how vulnerable I was.

"Ok, what did you need to talk to us about, and I assure you Edward is out of hearing range. We are blocking our thoughts to be safe, too." Carlisle asked unsurely. He was always so sure of himself and in control of all situations. It was unsettling to see him like this. I decided now was better than later, and this was probably my best chance.

"I am just going to get right to the point. I need space. There are so many questions running through my mind. I need time to run through them without outside forces influencing my decision. They have to be my decisions made on my own time." I kept my heart out of the conversation. I let my head do all of the talking.

"Bella, I don't think Edward can handle being away from you. He is emotionally unstable." Carlisle stated.

"And I am not? This is about what is best for me. I know your priorities from your leaving, but I thought you cared enough to respect my wishes." I allowed anger to fill me not wanting to feel anymore pain.

"No, no it is not like that. Carlisle?" Esme pleaded.

"I can see why you think that but I assure you it was not like that. We thought it was for the best excluding Alice of course. We all love you and will respect your wishes." Carlisle said finally seeming sure of his choice.

"Thank You." Relief and sadness filled my voice.

"There is no need, dear." Esme said.

I had let myself relax after that. Nothing much was said other than a few remarks. It seemed like we arrived in Forks in what seemed like no time at all. We arrived late at night. Carlisle parked the car behind the rest of the family. We were in front of my house. Carlisle opened my door for me.

"Thank you."

"It was my pleasure."

I stood on the curb unsure of what to do.

"Umm…Goodnight everyone." I walked toward the impending doom of Charlie.

"Bella?" Edward whispered.

I turned towards him and shook my head grimily. He took a step towards me but Emmett and Jasper took hold of him before he could progress any further. He growled fiercely at both of them. He tried with no success to get him to let him go. He turned to me in desperation.

"Bella, please, I need you. I love you." He pleaded while still struggling against his brothers. He gave up towards the end. Any superior thoughts he had of himself seemed to have vanished. This man before me was defeated and broken. I had never seen this side of him and it scared me.

I bolted toward the door. I couldn't take it anymore. The pain was consuming me. I fell to the ground as my front door slammed shut. I could not control my legs. The only thing I could focus on was the pain and breathing. I curled up into a ball and let everything I had faced hit me at once. Everything I had bottle up came pouring and rushing into my mind. My insecurities, Victoria, Jake, the Volturi, and everything else I had dealt with continued to paralyze me to the floor. My head was telling me I was doing the right thing but my heart screamed for Edward. My heart yearned for his embrace. It needed to be held by his strong arms. I needed _all_ of him. My head would not let me indulge in my desires. It was full of fear, doubt, and insecurities. It kept me from moving on. I hated myself for being so conflicted.

Charlie had heard me and came running towards me. He was asking if I was hurt and where I had been. My uncontrollable sobs kept me from answering. Even if I could speak, it would just be lies. When would the lies ever stop? All of this made me cry harder. Charlie was angry at first by my silence, but his attitude changed when he saw the pain I was in. He held me at first. He tried to help me stand, but my body was not paying any attention to me. He picked me up and took me up to my room. As soon as he set me in my bed, I let unconsciousness have me. I welcomed it with open arms.

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**Author's note: Like I said I love your comments reviews. They make me update faster an I take all your reviews seriously. So please please please reiew. I would greatly appreciate it an i love love long reviews. and message discussions. Thanx until next time.**


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns everything from the Twilight Saga.

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Chapter 6

I did not resurface for what seemed like days, even though I had slept for a little less than 12 hours. My body was trying to recover from the stress and trauma it had endured. At first, I thought it had all been a dream, but I realized my imagination was not that creative. The pain was too intense and real to be caused by fiction. I awoke to the sun late in the sky. My muscles were sore from being immobilized for so long. It was eerily quiet in the house. I welcomed the silence and normalcy of the day, even though my life was anything but normal. I forced myself to make an effort today. A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step. I knew I needed to move forward because I could not move backwards. I was already pushed up against the wall. There was only one way to go.

I made my way downstairs. I grasped the railing, not wanting to fall. I aimlessly went through the kitchen looking for pop tarts. I really should have eaten something else, because I could not remember the last time I ate a full meal. My appetite had yet to reappear in my life. I put the pop tarts in the toaster and I moved over to the table. At the table, there was a note from Charlie.

_Isabella,_

_I will be at work till 5. We will have a serious talk when I get home, and I mean it. You are grounded indefinitely, but I will go over that later. I expect the house to be clean, but take it easy today._

_Charlie._

My head fell into my hands. I was in so much trouble. This was just one more thing to add to my stack pile. When would the pieces begin to fall? I shivered. My pop tarts decided to make an appearance, causing me to jump ten feet in the air. I cursed myself. I looked at them and threw them away. I could not bring myself to eat them.

I cleaned the house. Chores allowed me to lose myself in the work. It let me avoid the inevitable. I did the laundry, dishes, and cleaned all the rooms. The rooms would have been considered clean before I began. It was closing in on 4. I went into the living room and sat on the couch. I was going to allow myself to think about _him, _but Charlie arrived early. Here goes nothing. I opened the door to greet him. He smiled but pointed over to the kitchen table. I guess he wanted to do this sooner rather than later. I waited as he took his police gear off.

"Did you get my note?" He asked seeming not sure as to how to begin.

"Yes, I did," I said barely above over a whisper.

"Good, then you know where this is going to go," he said sternly finding his place.

"Dad, I am so sorry," I said, tearing up at the end.

"I know you are, but that does not excuse what you did. Bella, you disappeared for three days. Where were you? What were you thinking? Never do that to me again. Do you understand, Isabella Marie Swan?"

"It was all just a misunderstanding. Alice talked to Rosalie about my cliff diving and she called Edward. She made it sound like I had committed suicide. He decided to run away and I went to stop him."

"Were you trying to commit suicide?" He barely got the words out.

"No, of course not, it was for recreational purposes. It was… fun." I said lamely.

"Okay, I believe you; but you are stay away from him. He is not good for you." He said sternly.

"That is not for you to decide. I am 18 years old." I would not have him making my decisions for me. I would take my deserved punishments and restrictions, but I would not be bossed around. I was not a child.

"Excuse me, young lady. He is not allowed in this house. He will never step foot in here again, not while your under my roof. Do you understand?" He was beginning to get angry and so was I.

"You cannot control who I will and who I will not see. I will leave if I have to. Can we move on to my punishment, please?" I asked deciding I did not want to argue with my father.

"Fine, you are grounded indefinitely, as you already know. You are not to use the phone or internet, unless you are communicating with your mother or the school. You are to come home everyday, straight from school. You are not to leave the house. Your friends can come to you. Do you understand?"

"Yes, I understand." I said solemnly.

"Now, go to your room."

"Dad, I love you." I gave him a tight hug and made my way upstairs.

"I love you, but do not ever do that to me again."

I did not say anything because I knew I would break that promise. I would have to break all ties to my former life in the future. Even though it kills me, I know it has to be done soon. The Volturi do not offer second chances.

I went over to my bed, feeling exhausted from the talk with Charlie. I wanted to be numb. It did not make me happy, but it made the pain go away. I would feel nothing, but the numbness never came. Instead, I sat there getting frustrated with myself and with this whole situation. What was the problem?

I still needed answers but I wanted to find some on my own. Alice told me that Edward still loves me, and that he forever will. I know now that he does. His actions speak louder than his lies in the forest. I was blinded before by my insecurities and overwhelming pain. I thought back to that dreaded night in the forest; everything he did screamed he loved me. I can see the pain in his eyes, his defeated posture, and the way he lingered when he kissed my forehead goodbye. If I want this to work, then I need to be stronger. I used to think I was weak compared to him, but I was beginning to think otherwise. He may be able to lift a car over his head with his pinky, but emotionally he is more of a wreck than me. His hatred of himself binds him. He thinks he is a monster, but he is a man.

He is a man and he can make mistakes. I had seen him as a higher-being that could do no wrong. He was perfect. I think he did the same for me. I was his precious breakable doll. He protected me by putting me far away, himself being the main danger. We did not see each other as equals. I need him to treat me as his equal. I need to be consulted on things relating to me. The '_it was for your own good'_ bullshit can no longer be. I see it now as a lack of trust and superiority. I cannot blame him, because I let it happen. I stepped down and let him control the situations. In the process, I unknowingly lost myself.

The question is, how do we move on past this? Can we move forward? I need to talk to him. I was scared, because, what if I was only seeing what I wanted to see? If his love was true and he left again, it would kill me. Nothing would bring me back. Love, life, meaning would be no more. Bella Swan would cease to exist.

Truthfully, I do not even know what to say to him. Everything used to be so easy. Our love was pure and easy. Now it is convoluted and tarnished. A small part of me blames him for the loss of our innocence even though we are both culprits in this trial. I may be angry but neither of us can be found guilty nor innocent.

I continued to contemplate in winding circles till I heard a light tapping on my door. It startled me at first, but I could make out Alice's form. I motioned for her to come in but she would have come in either way. It is Alice.

"Hey, how are you? Your future is everywhere today," she said brightly, trying to get me to smile though her statement was full of concern.

"I will make it. I guess that is what counts. How was everyone after… well, you know, last night? What happened?" I said, simply trying to disguise my anxiety due to the situation.

"Things are chaotic. There is really no way to describe the emotions running through everyone. Jasper is having a hard time right now. Are you sure you want to know what happened? It is not a happy story," Alice spoke solemnly.

"Yes, I need to know. I am not a baby, so please do not treat me like one." Frustration filled me. I hated being left in the dark.

"I am sorry, that is not what I meant by that. It's just… you have been through so much. We have put you in enough pain. Okay?"

"You are forgiven of course. Now, what happened? What did he do?" She knew exactly who I was talking about.

Alice took a deep breath. I waited patiently knowing this was not a story she wanted to share or tell.

"After you went inside, Edward heard you break down. We all heard you. Emmett and Jasper held him in place away from you. Carlisle had to help to drag him to the car. His actions were belligerent. He continued to defy even Carlisle in the car. Edward thought it was Carlisle keeping you from him. His temper was rising, and he was yelling at Emmett and Jasper to let him go. Carlisle had had enough. Carlisle told him of the fact that you needed time and space. Edward needed to live with the decisions he had made." Alice stopped. She was seeing if I was alright. I wasn't, but she continued on when I nodded my head for her to continue.

"We made it to the house shortly after. Edward had been quiet, but brooding. He alternated between arguing and pleading with Carlisle. His temper was getting the better of him and in a few minutes he and Carlisle were shouting. None of us had ever seen Carlisle lose his temper, nor had we seen Edward defy him in such a way. Things were bad. Esme was crying and Jasper had to leave. Emmett did not seem to know what to feel."

"Carlisle tried to compromise with him, saying that if he hunted he might reconsider. Edward refused, saying he would not hunt when you were not feeding properly and he would not be away with the current circumstances. He continued to say that Carlisle did not have the right to keep _his _mate from him. Having had enough, Esme stepped in. She said all of us had lost our privilege to you, including him. Esme set him straight including the rest of us. Edward went up to his room. Carlisle reminded him that his offer still stood, but he simply nodded in acknowledgement. He cried for hours. His tearless sobs filled the void of silence in the house. He is still wallowing in his room. Carlisle and Esme are sitting quietly, unsure what to do. I decided to come over here to check on you when the emotional climate became too much for me. I do not know how Jasper deals with any of it. He feels everything," Alice ended sadly.

I was sobbing. This was my fault. I did this. Why could I not be stronger? Why did I have to be so weak? Alice held me through my tears. She did not say anything letting me get it all out. I do not know how long I cried. I lost track of time.

Alice broke the silence. "You will figure this out. You are the only one who can. You bind us all together; you are our missing link. Everything will work out. I do not need my visions to tell me that. You are the strongest out of all of us, even if you do not believe it. Now, get some sleep. It will help." She kissed me on the cheek and left.

I fell asleep knowing I could not sit and idle any longer. I had to talk to him. It was the only way. It was the needed step to move forward. I did not want to do it. It scared me to no end. My head was reeling while my heart soared at the prospect of seeing Edward again. I let myself fall into complete unconsciousness, letting my heart take advantage for a first in a really long time.

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**Authors Note: I can not believe I updated twice in one week. This probably will not happen often but then again I have no life jk yes i do but i like my fictional reality better. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed. REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW ! It makes me obligated to write and it makes me giddy. Thanx for ready ~ hnnaus**


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns everything from the Twilight Saga.**

**Authors note: So I have been on a role lately. I even had some serious writers block and I got the chapter done in like 4 days. I amaze myself sometime lol. You guys should be proud of me. I know I am. Wow, talk about an ego lol jk. I am going to ramble for a little bit more. Ramble Ramble Ramble Ramble Ramble...Anyways enjoy the chapter!**

Chapter 7

"Bella, wake up!" I jumped up in fright while yelping at the same time. After my little episode, I saw it had been Emmett that had awoken me from my slumber.

"Good morning sleeping beauty." He said with just a little too much enthusiasm. It was always the little things that made him smile.

"How did you get in here?" I whispered not sure if Charlie had left for work.

"The window duh, do not worry Charlie left like 10 minutes ago." He said teasingly with a grin overtaking his face.

"I am sorry, I did not realize my window was an open invitation to frecking everyone." I was not a morning person. I let my anger takeover my excitement of seeing him again. Emmett had left me, too. He had been the big brother, my teddy bear, which I had never had. When he left, I felt vulnerable and unable to smile.

"Oh Bella, do not be like that. I am so sorry. It is just that I did not really get to see you or talk to you at the airport for obvious reasons. I missed you, and things at the house are intense. I do not know how to feel or react. I needed a break so I came here. I see now that I shouldn't have." He rambled on. I had to listen closely to catch it all. It was rare to see Emmett act insecurely. He had such confidence and usually did not really care what people thought. He was Emmett for goodness sake.

"No, please stay. I need to talk to someone else for a change. I have missed you, too. More than I want to admit." I could not stay mad at him for long. He had been forgiven almost as soon as he appeared in my room.

"I knew you could not stay mad at me for long. I am to love able!" He yelled as he picked me up and twirled me up into a big bear hug.

"I can't breath, Emmett." I squeezed out of my lungs.

"Sorry, I forget how fragile you are. How is my favorite little human been?" He was teasing me again.

"I am not that fragile." He rolled his eyes. "I am surviving. Things are complicated. How is he?" I said more seriously.

"You mean emo-ward. He is brooding and completely lost without you. You know you need to talk to him, right? The separation is killing both of you. I can see it in your eyes, too."

I nodded not knowing what to say. Tears were filled my eyes seeking permission to spill over.

"I could take you to him but only if you are prepared for it. There is no pressure. You are what matters not him, and you need to do this when you are ready." He spoke from the heart. He really was my brother.

"I need to talk to him, and I am as ready as I will ever be. I do not know what will come of it, and that is what scares me to no end."

"It is always darkest before dawn. Remember that, ok? Now, up you go." He carried me bridal style out the window. He broke into a run once we landed not taking time to stop. I used to have to close my eyes from the fear of their running, but it was exhilarating, now. Time had seemed to have escaped me as we approached the Cullen's mansion. I used to think of this place as home but it looked so foreign to me now. The growing weeds overtook much of the landscape and it looked so dreary from the lack of care. Like me, it had decayed with the Cullen's absence.

"Jasper and I have a bet, and whoever loses has to mow the grass and take care of the weeds." I rolled my eyes at his attempt to lighten the mood even though I knew the bet was real. He never joked when it came to his bets with Jasper.

"Does he know I am here?" I asked needing to finally take control of the situation.

"He is not paying much attention to anything right now. When we get closer to the house, he will smell you. Then, I am sure all hell will break lose." He said seriously realizing the urgency in voice.

We had just reached the back yard when I heard a loud crash and the sound of doors slamming. In seconds, he was before me dominating me with his presence. I could not look him in the eye. My eyes watched his chest. He was breathing heavily as if he was fighting for his last breath. I jumped in Emmett's arms at Edward's unexpected menacing growl.

"Gezz, someone is a little territorial with their mate. I am your brother for heaven sakes. Edward, really, calm down." Emmett said unbelievingly but concern underlined his voice.

I looked up at Emmett while mouthing it was fine. He nodded understanding. He started walking me to Edward hesitantly like approaching a wild animal. Edward took a few careful steps, but then he was running at full speed to me urgently. I was out of Emmett's arms and flying in Edward's in a matter of seconds. It happened so fast that I barely recognized the change; the static charge between us being my only clue.

In his arms, I felt the overwhelming urgency for him that I had been fighting since Italy take over me. Edward ran us to his room. When we reached his room, we collapsed together against his door neither of us could find the strength to make it any further. Our movements were frantic from our overpowering emotions. Need, longing, and love pulled us together like magnets. Then, we stilled finding peace in each others embrace.

Edward dissolved into my body. His arms were tight around my torso. His hands fisted into my shirt trying to bring me impossibly closer. My neck gave his head solace. He seemed to be lost in the sound of my pulse, and his tearless sobs were muzzled by my skin. My hands were fisted in his unruly hair while I too interlocked myself in him. One could not tell where I started and where he ended.

Time had seemed to escape us again. I did not know how long we stayed like this. It could have been minutes, hours, or days for all I knew. As I slowly came back to myself, I realized we could not stay like this forever. We needed to move forward and to do that we had to talk. Even though it scared me to death, I knew I had to stay strong for us.

I held his head in my hands as I pulled him to look at me. For the first time since we reunited, I met his tortured gaze. I gasped as I saw the sorrow and pain in his power black eyes. They were intensified by the purple shadows under his eyes from his lack of feeding. It all became too much as I closed my eyes and continued to cry.

His voiced cracked, "Open your eyes, please. I have been too long without them." I could not refuse him.

"We need to talk." I whispered. We needed to get move on from this.

"Not yet please, just a few more minutes" He pleaded as he moved to escape into me again.

I stopped him. We needed to do it now. We could not prolong this any longer. I could not take it any longer. I had so many questions to ask but I did not know where to start. I said the first one that popped into my head.

"Edward, where have you been?" It did not matter to me but it seemed like a good starting point if there was even one to begin with this mess.

"I was tracking Victoria. I failed miserably, and I was not even on the right continent." He looked ashamed. "You have to know that I had no idea as to what was going on. I would have never left if I thought you were in danger. I see know that Victoria's confidence in James clouded her feelings. Still, I am a miserable excuse for a man." He paused for a moment seeming at a lost for words. "I know I have failed you over and over again but can you ever love me again? Can you even forgive me for the horrible things I have done to us? Have I hurt you beyond repair? Just say the word and you will never see me again." I had never seen him so vulnerable, so unsure of himself. It angered me that he would just leave if I said so. Did he not believe in us enough to fight for our love?

I took a moment to answer needing to say this right. He was becoming anxious quick. "Edward, I have never stopped loving you, but our problems do not come from a lack of love. How can I ever trust you again? You made the decision without even consulting me. We are supposed to work together. You do not see me as an equal…" I was cut off.

"No, I was trying to protect you. I love you!"

"I never asked you to protect me. All I ever wanted was your love. You shut me out that night and made the decision for me. That was not act of love. That was you giving up!" My emotions were taking over. I could not control my actions or words. Everything was boiling over. I could feel my breaking point coming.

"I promise I will never leave you again. I want and need to be with you. I am not strong enough to stay away from you." He vowed trying to make me see but I could not.

"Do not promise me anything. I can not let myself hope. You may think that now but what about tomorrow as you dwell and rethink all the reasons you left before. If I begin to hope and then you leave, I will die." He flinched. "It kills me when you say that you are not strong enough to stay away. I want you to stay because you want to you. I need you to love me and feel that staying is the only right way." I had to stop. Shakes over took my body from the stress of my heart's convictions.

"I will spend the rest of my time on Earth making this up to you. I will prove my love to you." He whispered more to himself than me.

"Edward, please change me. It will prove to me that you want me forever. It is going to happen anyway. I will not put your family in danger." I pleaded trying to make him understand.

"There are ways to keep the Volturi in the dark. I will not damn you to this existence." His eyes glassed over with anger.

"No, I will not put your family in danger. This is my choice to make, and I have already made it. I will become one of you. I will go to Italy myself if I have to." I pointed out. I could feel myself returning his anger. My body was no longer shaking from the overwhelming emotions that it could not handle. It was trembling from the anger I was fighting.

"You would not make it out of Forks, even your house for that matter." He sneered.

"This is not your decision to make." I screamed. I would not let him treat me like a child. I have had enough of this crap.

"You do not know enough. I will not talk to you about it again. This discussion is over." He yelled back. Crushing finality ended his statement.

He continued to deny my feelings. He would carry on to do what he felt was best for me. He would never see me as an equal. I would always be clumsy old Bella to him. I let my anger take over me. I would show him how influential my decisions could be.

"Fine, if that is how you want it to be then this, us, is over. You can not treat me like this. I am not your child. I am your friend, your mate, your _partner_, but I can not do this anymore." He stilled in shock.

I ran not looking back. I had to get out of here. I ran to the bathroom and locked the door. I fell behind the door letting my emotions crash over me. My sobs filled the silence in the house. I needed to collect myself if I was going to leave but I could not stop. My breathing was labored. I felt like the world was crashing down around me. Was this what it felt like to have a panic attack? I tried closing my eyes to calm myself, but I was interrupted by the door knob jiggling.

"Bella, please open the door." Edward pleaded. His voice shook from his own sobs. I could hear the pain behind it. My only answer was a new round of tears.

"Please let me fix this. I did not mean it." He tried again but the damage was already done. I had taken all that I could today. I needed someone to take me home. I would walk if I had to.

"I will break this door down if I have to." I could practically see him fisting his hair in frustration and pinching the bridge of his nose. It would have found it comical if the situation had been different.

Eventually, I had calmed down enough to have the confidence to leave. I just did not know how to do it. Then, I heard Edward growl.

"Bella, I will take you home." Alice voice chimed.

"No, we are not finished here. I will not let her go especially with things like this." He said forcefully to Alice.

"Well, Bella believes otherwise. Plus, Charlie will be home in an hour." She sounded annoyed. I took that as my clue to open the door. I was pulled behind Alice immediately.

"Alice." Edward growled. They were arguing mentally. I had a feeling I was being referred to in third person. I was right here for heaven's sake.

"No, Edward. We are leaving now. I am looking at for her, because you are blinded by your emotions." She growled back. I pulled her back needing to leave. I could not have her fighting with him right now. It would be too much.

"Bella, wait please." Anxiety filled his voice. "This is not over. It is far from it." He paused. "It can't be." He said barely above a whispered as he watched me walk away. If I was not so attuned to him, I would not have caught it.

Alice flew me down the stairs. She did not stop till we got to the car. I cried into Alice's shoulder as she drove me home. I had finally split in two. The depth of his heart broken eyes as he watched me leave had cut the last fibers holding me together. Alice had to carry me to my room because standing had become impossible.

She tried to confront me but she seemed lost as to what to do. She asked me if I wanted him but I just shook my head no. I needed him to fight for me. It was the only way I feared.

**She dialed a number, and within seconds Jasper was in my room. He winced as he came through my window. He mumbled something about normal humans not being able to feel this amount of pain. Suddenly, I felt his calming effects. I fought it at first, but then I let it numb me to sleep.**

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**Authors note: I hope you enjoyed it. I know you guys are itching for them to get back together and it will come eventually I promise. I am exb all the way so please be patient and keep reading. By the way, please review! It makes my day when you do and it makes me write faster. Not only that but I have read some pretty bad fics with more reviews than me, what is up with that ? No but really I appreciate everything you guys say. Oh, by the way there is this awesome songe by Christina Perrie it is called Jar of hearts. Check it out, I listened to it over and over again as I wrote this chapter. Until next time ~ hnaus**


	9. Chapter 9

**Authors note: This was a hard chapter for me to write for some reason. Anyways I hope you enjoy!**

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Chapter 8

Alice and Jasper's hushed whispers awoke me to the new day. I wish they hadn't, because I felt like a semi-truck had ran over my body and took extra care to my head. Their murmurs were screaming bullets to my head, and I was sweaty hot. I groaned from the feelings my mind and body were giving me. I accepted reluctantly that I was sick. Perfect.

I tried to get up, but I was pushed right back down.

"Bella, you need to rest. You have a fever, and Jasper can feel your pain." Alice said sympathetically.

"Which pain?" My sarcastic side decided to voice itself.

The temporary physical pain I felt was nothing compared to the agony I dealt with everyday inside. It was like cancer. It slowly destroyed and engulfed everything that was normal and healthy. There were times where I did not recognize the person staring back at the mirror. During those times, I had yearned for the numbness I had lost.

"Both." He said grimly but continued unsurely. "Bella, I need to apologize for what happened so many months ago. What I did was inexcusable, and I can understand if you can never forgive me."

"I can not forgive you because you never did anything to be forgiven for. I never blamed you. It was not your fault. This would have happened eventually. It could have been Emmett giving me a too tight of a hug. You just gave him a livable excuse to leave." I paused needing to steady myself. "Please, forgive yourself for me, for Alice."

"Thank you, Bella, and I will…I promise." The relief in his eyes was eminent.  
"And you doubted me." Alice teased while poking him in the chest. He smiled back while capturing her hand in his.

I tried to smile but was overcome by a coughing fit. I had not realized how raw my throat was until now. It caused another groan from me. I hated being sick.

"I think it is time to call Carlisle. I do not see you getting any better in the near future."

"It is just a cold, and it has to take its course. There is nothing he can do or say that I do not already now." This was not my first cold.

"He can help your symptoms, and there is absolutely no need for you to be miserable when you do not have to be. He is going to give you a check-up whether you like it or not." She paused. "Just think if Edward caught wind of this." She was shaking her head from her last statement. I could tell she was serious, and I needed to learn how to choose my battles.

"You already called him, did you?" I threw my head against the pillows already knowing the answer.

"Yep." She smiled knowingly. "He will be here in 43 seconds." Damn all knowing pixie.

"Let's get this unnecessary check-up done." I tried unsuccessfully holding my groan.

"That's the spirit." I love her to death, but sometimes she was just too happy and peppy.

Right on cue, Carlisle came into my room via window. Should I just replace my window with a door? Maybe a door bell would be helpful, too.

"Carlisle, this is really unnecessary. It is just a cold." I complained.

"I am sure it is, but you have been under a lot of stress. Your lack of a regular diet is not helping." I was not really in the mood to be lectured. Everything seemed to take my appetite away. "Your immune system is probably not at its strongest." He chuckled. "But you have been over seas and for the peace of mind of all of us, let me check you." Seriousness returned to his tone.

I nodded in agreement, and I guess it could not hurt.

His examination was over in a few minutes. He took my temperature, checked my ears and lungs, and looked down my throat with that stupid stick thing. God gave me an amazing gag reflex, so that went well just like going to the damn dentist.

"Just a simple cold, thank goodness." He smiled but there was something brewing behind his eyes. They smoldered from his core. It was not the first time I had seen them except it had been from the eyes of somebody else. I winced from the memory of them.

"Carlisle, say what you need to say. I will listen with an opinion mind. Okay?" He needed to get whatever it was that was causing him to hate himself. I knew the look from Edward.

"Bella, I want to apologize for what my family has done to you. There is no excuse for what our actions have caused. I know it is selfish and we do not deserve it, but I want to ask you _beg_ you to forgive us for we have done to not only you but to your friends and your father." It was rushed from his anxiety.

This was a whole new side to Carlisle that I had never known. I had the known the strong confident Carlisle, the one who believed he had done right. This Carlisle questioned every action and decision he had made. He let his guilt of changing the others rule his mind. The fear of being alone defined him. I was humbled to see this side of him. He trusted me to see that he did not always know what to do. He was not perfect.

I gave him a bone crushing hug in human terms. It was liberating to have my other father back. He returned the gesture with relief. I did not have to say anything for he understood me from my actions.

"I just wanted you to know that it is nice to have you guys back even with all the emotion turmoil. I really missed you guys." My voice broke towards the end. It had been no more than a whisper.

"Trust me; it is the same on both sides." He vowed while pulling me into a tighter hug emphasizing his point. I wanted to stay there in confronting arms where there were no worries but there were things I need to know. I had to find the confidence and strength to voice my worries.

"How is he? What happened after I left?" My voice continued to crack from emotion. I was ready to face reality. Well as ready as I will ever be that is.

"Bella, you really need to rest. I do not want you to be stressed when it is not necessary. For now, please focus on yourself. We all want you to get better as soon as possible." Concern laced his voice. I almost gave in without a fight.

"I believe that is for me to decide but thank you for your concern." I did not mean to sound so harsh, but I was on a rampage on being told what to do. For the hundredth time, I can make decisions for myself. "Just tell me what happened after I left? I need the truth." My head told me that I needed all the facts to make informed decisions, while my heart desperately needed to know what condition Edwards was in. I yearned for him to understand that I meant what I said, but I was sorry for saying it the way I did. His pain was conflicting in more ways than one.

"I do not know how to explain it other than my son is not well. His fear of losing you controls all of his actions. He needs you." I could see the fear in his eyes.

"Carlisle, I can't…" I sobbed, my tears finally escaping from my eyes.

"I know but can I ask you a favor? You are the only one he will listen to. He would do anything for you." He paused while waiting for permission to continue. I nodded even though I did not believe his last statement. "He refuses to hunt. He is starving for more than your love I fear." I could tell Carlisle hated asking me of this, but I needed it just as much as he did. Selfishly, I wanted to see his golden eyes again.

I did not say a word as I grabbed a piece of paper and a pen. I could do this I told myself.

_Edward,_

_I can not do this right now. I need time. Please hunt. I am sorry._

_Bella_

It was not poetic or flowing but it was simple, the truth. At the moment, that was all I could give. I folded the simple piece of paper and gave it to Carlisle. He understood and put it in his pocket.

"Get some rest, you need it." I could here the doctor in him. "And thank you." He whispered before leaving my room out the window. Hope glimmered under his eyes.

I did not return the faith. I laid down deciding to take Carlisle advice. I could feel my cold sneaking up on me slowly. The cold medicine must be wearing off. I got up with a mission of not wanting to toss and turn for hours on end. My legs felt wobbly from the lack of use and from my weakness. I slowly walked to the bathroom to get more medicine. The Nyquil gods were in my presence. I swallowed 2 in my haste to get back to bed. I surrounded myself in my soft welcoming blankets. The familiarities of them were comforting, but I was not able to bask in my small haven for long. I jumped at the sound of my window closing.

"Jasper?" Why had he came back so quickly? I came to the conclusion that something must have happened. "What happened? Is everything all right?" Panic spread through me momentarily before Jasper calming façade over took me. "Quit it, I need to feel everything even if it is not pleasant." My feelings were the only thing keeping me from becoming a zombie once again. I had to feel even if it was just pain. The calming effect slowly vanished.

"I am sorry, Bella. Everything is fine; well you know what I mean. I have a message for you." I noticed a small folded up paper in his hand. It was the same as mine but this time it was addressed to me. Oh no, I can not do this right now.

"It is from…" I cut him off.

"I know who it from. Take it back. I have no interest in what he has to say to me." I could tell by Jasper's look that he knew I was lying.

"Bella, are you sure? I feel what you are feeling. I can feel the longing."

"Jasper, I do not know how to explain this. Did Alice tell you that I jumped off a cliff? It was recreational but still…" He nodded for me to continue. "I was so scared that day. The whole pack was gone that day fighting Victoria, and everything else piled up on me. I could not stay and La Push and wait for something to happen. I had to do something, and I decided to go cliff diving. It would give me the escape I needed. If it would have been any other day, I would have been too scared to jump." I stopped for a moment not knowing if anything I was saying was making since. "Do you get what I am trying to say? I am not sure if I even know what I am talking about." I weaved my hands into my hair in frustration. Ugh! Why was everything so complicated?

"You need him but you are too terrified to take the jump." He explained for me like it was obvious. It was anything but that.

"Yes." I sighed dejectedly. He knew me better than myself at the moment.

"There is no reason for you to feel ashamed. It is to be expected. I would feel more worried if you did trust him to take the jump, because then you would be avoiding your problems. You are healing believe it or not. I can feel it."

"Thank you." Honesty was Jasper's gift to me.

"There is no need. Is there anything you want me to tell him?" He said hopefully.

I wanted him to tell Edward that I was sorry, but I decided against it. I hated myself for not being stronger.

"Do not hate yourself. Doing what is right for yourself is the strongest thing you can do right now." I tried but I did not believe him.

"I know I have asked this a billion times but how is he?" I knew it would do more harm than good.

"He is hurting, and this is not going to help however he's going to hunt. That's a step forward. He needs you though." He smiled reassuring me.

"Thank you, again."

"I can feel how tired you are. Get some sleep, okay?"

"Okay." I could feel the cold medicine working. My overwhelming drowsiness was evident of that.

With that, he disappeared silently. The sound of my window closing was my only sign that I was alone yet again. I fell asleep crying softly into a black dreamlessness. It hurt knowing Edward was moving away from me, even if it was at my own doing.

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**Authors Note: I know more angst sorry but this story is full of it. I hope you enjoyed the chapter and please review. You have no idea how happy they make me and I take all of them seriously. I really like long reviews one time I jumped up in the air for one I was so happy. So please do me a favor and review! Thanx for reading ~ hnnaus**


	10. Chapter 10

**Authors Note: Sorry for the wait readers but my life has been really really really busy. Anyways enjoy, I hope it was worth the wait.**

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Chapter 9

I awoke to the aggravating sound of my alarm clock. I contemplated throwing it against the wall but suddenly I jolted myself up. Today, I was finally returning to school. Yesterday, Carlisle had tried to discourage me from returning but physically I was fine. The pain on the inside was the source of my ache. Emotionally, I felt crippled.

Everything had been rather quiet the past few days. Esme had re-enrolled Alice and Edward at Forks High school once everyone had returned from hunting. Alice came secretly with my make-up homework and updates from school. According to Alice, there were all kinds of rumors going around, but I did not need to worry about any of them. At the time, I did not have the strength to care.

Most of the time, I had been sleeping trying to recover from my tiresome and troubling cold. It would have been peaceful if not for the silence. Charlie's normal pattering were absent from the house from him being at work all the time. Seattle was experiencing a possible serial killer.

The silence would capture my mind and take me to places I did not want or need to be. I would try to turn on the fan to dissolve the silence even when I was battling a chilling fever, but it was a losing battle. Music seemed to be the logical answer to the problem, but he destroyed that option. Memories of his hands dancing and gliding over the black and white keys of his piano would have over took my mind causing me destructive like pain.

"Bella! Are you excited to go to school today?" I yelped in surprise. Did she enjoy scaring me like that?

"Alice, how many times do I have to tell you not to sneak up on me like that? What about Charlie?" To be fair, I had been lost in myself remembering the last few days.

"Sorry, he left an hour ago. You need to get ready." I knew that look. I was not in the mood to play Bella Barbie.

"Alice, I love you but not today. Sweats are the only thing I can bear to wearing today." I knew it was going to be one of those days, and my self-image had sailed out my window a long time ago.

"I had to try, but you know how I am." Her devastated looked turned to excitement. "You get ready while I make you breakfast." She paused saying more sternly. "You are not leaving this house without eating something. How do pop tarts sound?" I could not help but smile. It was always the little things with her.

"Do you even know how to work the toaster?" I teased. Seeing my answer, she ran downstairs but not before sticking her tongue out at me with false child-like annoyance.

I walked over to the bathroom finally allowing myself a human moment. I took record winning shower. I do not even remember shampooing my hair. I brushed my teeth twice to get that dry yuck feeling out of them from being sick. I grabbed the pair of grey sweat pants and t-shirt I had picked from my room and threw them on not really caring. My hair went a ponytail in a similar like fashion. It had only taken me 10 minutes. Personally, I think I deserve a gold medal.

Alice greeted me at the bottom of the stairs. She grabbed my hand and literally dragged me to the table. "Here, you go." She handed me a plate of pop tarts that see managed not to burn and a note from Charlie. I opened the letter dreading whatever was enclosed inside it while eating my pop tarts.

_Remember, you are grounded. I expect you to come home straight from school. Charlie_

I balled the note in my hands. I did not need to be reminded. I was not a child. I threw the note at the trash can. Of course, I epic failed and it ended up a few inches short of the waste basket. Great.

As I got up, I looked to see that it was almost time to leave. I froze at the sudden anxiety filling my body. I took a dead breath and swallowed hard hoping to drown my feelings. The unsettling feelings were still there, but I could ignore it.

"Are you alright? You do not have to go back today. There is no rush." That was a lie. I had already missed too many days of school. Yes, my dad had called me in sick every day that I had been gone, but I lacked a doctor's note. Anything from Dr. Cullen would be too suspicious. At this point, Alice and Edward were probably better off to graduate than I was. I shuddered at the thought of my Calculus grade.

"Not really but I am fine enough." I said as my finger tips went up to my temples trying to relief the pressure in my head. It was dying cause. "Meet you at school?" I finished.

"Yep." She smiled grimly and then she was out my door. I sighed with heaviness.

After that, I got in my truck and drove to school. I was early so finding a parking spot was not difficult. I parked towards the front wanting to be able to make a quick get away if necessary.

I should be terrified to return to school. Gossip, rumors, staring, attention, and Edward were awaiting me just a few yards ahead of me. Truthfully, I was scared no terrified, but I yearned for some kind of normalcy. There was not anything more normal than school. It was boring and full repetitive schedules. It was the closest thing to complete mental numbness that I could conjure up. Without Alice's pushing, I know I would have never made it here. I would have been paralyzed in my bed from the fear of it all.

Kids had started to fill in around me. I guess I had been standing and staring at the school in front of me longer than I had thought. As I entered, I was struck by a sense of déjà vu. It was the first day of school all over again. Everyone was staring at me. They did not know if they should approach me or pretend that I did not exist. I felt like a freak. Who was I kidding, I am a freak. My ex-boyfriend is a vampire. I have another vampire who wants to murder me in cold blood. Not only that but for some time, I ran with werewolves. I quickly walked to the main office wanting to avoid the stabbing stares. I grabbed my absent pass hurriedly just wanting to get this all over and get to class.

As I stepped out of the office, I down cast my eyes not wanting to see him. Almost immediately, I could feel his presence upon me. He was staring at me with the full force of his pulling golden eyes. I could feel it in the back of my head, and it caused my body to tingle. I fought against my body's reaction to him by refusing to look at him. My child-like logic was telling me if I did not see him then he could not see me. This mind thought allowed me to stay a float instead of drowning in him.

I walked through the halls with my head down trying to ignore the fact that he was following me. I felt like an animal by trying to make myself as small as possible when I felt scared. I was trying to be brave and strong. Instead, I felt weak and pathetic. No wonder he left me. I cringed at my own mental bashings. Why did I do this to myself?

I was almost to class when I walked into something hard or should I say someone.

"I need to talk you, please." He sounded like he was drowning. I tried to hide my pain.

I wanted to tell him that I could but I did not even know how I felt at this moment. I was still angry and hurt but at the same time I longed for his love. I did not trust myself or him to talk. I did not know when I would be able to or if we ever could. I wanted to go back to our care free love, but I knew we never really could. We had evolved past that.

I walked away deciding that I had nothing to say to him. He did not follow.

Every hour was the same. I would give my absent pass to my teacher and then I would head to the back of the class trying to exclude myself from the gossip around. As much as I tried, I still heard much of it. Most of it dealt with the Cullen's cover story of them returning to Forks. Lauren and Jessica were spreading the majority of the nasty rumors. I tried my hardest not to listen, but at the end it came to hard to bear. There was only so much hate someone could take. I did not allow myself to break down until lunch break knowing my stomach would not be able to handle any type of food. I ran to the bathroom and finally let myself cry out my fears and anxiety from today. I let myself feel everything that I had bottled up today when I was trying to be strong. Even though it felt good to let everything out, I felt like a failure on the inside.

"Bella?" I had been so lost in myself that I did not hear anybody come in. I tried to wipe my eyes and get up, because I could not see who it was through my tear filled eyes.

"I am so sorry, Bella. I can not imagine what this has been like for you." She pulled me into a tight hug. I could tell now that it was Angela. The realization only made me pull tighter and released a new bed of tears. She did not look at me with pity or shame. She was just there like she had always been. She was the only won who had ever been constant through everything.

"Thank you for everything but I will be okay now, so if you want to go to lunch you can." I tried smiling but anyone could tell that it was not real.

"If you are staying then I am staying."

She seemed to know that I did not want to talk about myself at all. She changed the subject quickly. I laughed as she told me stories about Ben, and his addiction to kung-fu movies and comic books. She radiated happiness as she talked about him. She reminded me of me a year ago. It made me sad to remember but happy at the same time to see a small representative of the old me. Being young and some what naïve was bliss. For that hour, I allowed myself to be lost in Angela's world, or one could say the world I had lost so many months ago. All too soon, the bell rang ending my small piece of haven. All good things always came to an end. Angela and I hugged before splitting to go on our way to class.

I had been dreading this class all day and here it was before me. Biology. I could do this I kept telling myself. I felt like the little engine that could, but I had a feeling that I was not going to make it to the top of the hill. I would probably de-rail and kill many innocent towns' folk in city hall. Great.

I walked over slowly and took my seat. Everyone was looking at us like the show was about to start. I should be selling tickets. The great tragedy of Bella and Edward is about to start. Everyone gather around, the show is about to start.

Class started shortly after I sat down. I used my hair to make some kind of separation between us, but it was pointless. I could not ignore the electricity between us. I put all my energy into my pointless doodles trying to distract myself. I told myself constantly that time can only move forward even though it felt it had stopped completely. I knew this was not going to be easy, but I had no idea it was going to be so extremely hard.

I hated being so close but so far away. It was painful. Everything about us was agonizing. My hand itched to be intertwined with his. All I had to do was move it a few inches, but I was trapped in my own paralyzing fear.

"Bella?" He whispered breaking the silence between us again.

I remained silent acting as if I did not hear him. Out of the corner of my eye I saw him fist his hair in frustration. I looked away quickly not wanting to connect, because I would not be able to resurface on my own if I did. I heard the sound of paper being ripped and the resonance of his pen gliding across his paper.

I was confused. Why would he be taking notes? He never had before and he probably had learned this dozens of times anyway. The dots connected as I saw a folded piece of paper before me. I grabbed it quickly not wanting to get caught. I sighed as I say his elegant scrip. Bella, I traced the letters on the paper. I could already feel myself falling apart. No, I would not do this now especially not here. Whatever he had to say to me could wait. My heart could not bear whatever this note held. I softly placed the note in front of him. I heard the note crinkle as he tightly squeezed his fist. His knuckles impossibly whitened from the force of his strength.

"Please, speck to me. Yell if you have to because I deserve much worse. If you can not talk to me then at least look at me, I need you." He stopped seeming at a lost for words. "I am begging you to acknowledge my existence. I can not take it much longer. I am falling apart from the inside out. Please, do something anything." In any other setting, he would have been on his knees. I could hear his desperation from the rise and fall of his voice.

The bell rang saving me. His hand moved to grasp mine hoping to stop me but when my eyes met his, he stopped his movements.

I slowly stepped back. "I need time. I can't…" I bolted not being able to say more. I hoped it was enough. I ran to my next class. As I took my seat in the back, I tried to understand every meaning and emotion behind his words. There were so many different emotions brewing behind his eye and under his voice. I understood some of them but others I did not. There were a few that I could not even place. I was tired of this on going battle inside myself. My heart and head both screamed at me telling me completely different things. I was tired of living like this, and this pushing and pulling charade was killing us both. It was my turn to grab my hair in frustration.

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**Authors Note: I hope you liked the chapter. I know more angst but this is an angsty story. Please review!**


	11. Chapter 11

**Authors note: I am sorry for the long update but I am currently in France as an exchange student. I don't have a lot of time on my hands so updates will be longer and probably not edited as well but bare with me because I am working on editing the whole story. I am not taking it down or anything but there will be some changes to the later chapters but nothing drastic. One does not need to go back and read them or anything. I am trying to get this story on and their standards are very high and my editing is very poor so it is a work in progress. If anyone is interested in helping me with this story please email me and I would love to work with you. I hope you enjoy the story and sorry for the mistakes.**

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Chapter 10

The final bell surprised me, but I was thankful for my lack of ability to keep track of time. It was better than watching the clock tick by endlessly seeming as if it was not moving at all. I tried to remember my classes after biology but it was covered by a thick fog. Seclusion had been my friend, and over the past few months I had mastered the ability to disappear in large groups of people. Being ordinary was a gift and a curse. It was a gift being able to blend in, but a curse because as a human I can never stand by Edward and feel worthy of my place.

I realized the classroom had emptied while I had been trying to remember the day I had forgotten. I quickly grabbed my bag and headed out the door for my truck. The hallways were already thinning from the rush of school being over. How long had I been day dreaming? I dismissed the thought deciding it was irrelevant.

"Bella, it took you long enough!" Alice screamed over by my truck.

"Hello to you too, Alice." I could not conceal my sarcasm.

"So, I was wondering if you wanted to come by the house today. Esme is dying to see you on better terms as is everyone else. Charlie is going to be late getting home so you don't need to worry about that."

My first intention was to say no. The thought of being surrounded by memories of him and his family didn't seem very comforting. Alice's mentioning of Esme changed my mind. I hated how I had treated her at the airport. Even though I had the right to be angry with her, I still had acted childish. I wanted to see her. I wanted to talk to her about everything, and I needed my mother back.

"I would really like to see Esme, but is he going to be there?"

"No, Jasper and Emmett are dragging him out hunting. If he knew that you were coming over…" A giggle escaped her lips. I didn't find the situation amusing. "It will be just us girls and Carlisle." I sigh of relief blew from my mouth.

"Let's get going, we only have so much time." She was jumping up and down like a two year old. She basically dragged me to the passenger seat. This was the Alice I had missed.

"Okay, okay, okay, I am going!" A care-free giggle escaped from my lips. My hand shot up in shock as I posed like the Speak No Evil poster. The sound of my laugh sounded foreign to me. I didn't know one could forget how it felt to laugh. How was one to react to this? Alice just smiled back to me.

Once I buckled in, Alice started up my truck. I could tell that she was frustrated with the mechanics of it. The fact that she could only go 55 was causing her to growl in frustration, but I couldn't keep the smirk off my face. She sent me glares of fury in reaction of my attitude, but I was past the point of caring. She could degrade it and call it an embarrassment to the Cullen family all she wanted, but I loved my truck. Eventually we made it to the winding drive way that I was to familiar with.

My mood changed as the house came into my view. It no longer seemed abandoned or broken. The grass was mowed and the landscaping was trimmed. It looked like it did so many happier months ago. They fixed it up so easily. I wanted to be fixed and mended, but at the same time I didn't want them to think that I could be put together like some broken toy or forgotten pet.

Alice led us to the house after she parked my truck. We are greeted by Esme as we walk through the threshold. Alice gives her a hug and winks at me before running up to her room.

Esme steps in to give me a hug but stops in uncertainly. I feel horrible for making her feel this way.

"Esme, you can hug me. It's okay." I barely have time to choke out the words before she engulfs me into a tight hug.

"I'm so sorry." I cried into her chest. I was sorry for how I acted at the airport. I was sorry for the hurtful words that have left my mouth. I was sorry for the pain that I have caused her family.

"Bella, shh, you have nothing to be sorry for. I am the one who needs to apologize. I am the sorry excuse of a mother. Everything you said was true…I left you behind." She whispered the last line. It only caused me to cry harder. "I was blinded by Edward's desperation. I have never seen my son in so much pain, and I was willing to do anything to relieve the pain behind his eyes. So many times, Edward had uprooted his life for us with a minutes notice. My loyalty to him pushed me over the edge. Still, it is no excuse. Can you ever forgive me?"

"I forgive you." I said as I wiped the tears from my eyes. Esme smiled but it didn't quite reach her eyes. I gave her a questioning look.

"Thank you, it is just that it is going to take time to put this family together again. It is nice to know that one more puzzle piece has fallen into place." Hope laced her voice. I smiled back. I was happy to finally make things right with Esme, but I needed to speak with another Cullen. I didn't want to have this conversation yet but I didn't know when I would have the opportunity to speak with him alone again.

"Esme, do you think Carlisle has time to talk with me?" I questioned.

"Oh course, dear. He is in his office, just knock on the door."

"Thank you, Esme." I hugged her again before climbing the steps to his office.

I took deep calming breaths as I approached his office. I wanted to get this off my back, but I didn't know how to go about it. I took a final deep breath before a tapped gently on the door.

"Come in, Bella. You are more than welcome here." I opened the door and slowly closed it behind me.

"Hi." I said lamely.

"What can I help you with?" He seemed apprehensive. I didn't understand why because I should be the nervous one. As I stood there, I felt myself gaining confidence.

"I want to talk about the Volturi's demands," good job, straight to the point.

"You don't have to worry about that. We will take care of it, and there are ways to keep them in the dark." No, I would not let them take control of the situation.

"This is my life; I think I have a reason to worry." My voice was sharp and cold.

"Let us take of this; you need to focus on you." I could tell that he meant well but I was tired of letting people take control of my life.

"Carlisle, with all do respect, I will decide what is best for me. I have decided that I will not put anymore people in danger. I need to get rid of all of this nonsense. I need to be changed into a vampire." I held eye contact with Carlisle showing him how serious I was.

"Bella, I don't think Edward…"

"I don't care; this is my decision to make." I screamed. My hand shot up in shock. I didn't mean to lose my temper.

"I'm sorry."

"No, you are right. There is no other way, I see that now." He said in defeat. "I could do it now if you want."

"Not now, I need time to make things right with my parents, how about after graduation?

"That is fine but are you sure?"

"Yes." I had to be.

"I can't keep this from him." Carlisle mutters.

"I am not asking you to but I promise to talk to him about it. Okay."

"Thank you, Bella."

"Before I go, can I have your word?" I needed his word, his promise.

He paused, "You have my word."

I can hear the relief in his voice but also the pain. He doesn't want his son to hate him. I will do everything in my power for Edward to but the blame on me not his father. If he hated me so be it. I would endure forever alone as long as he was happy and safe. My world spins as long as he is out there.

I closed Carlisle door behind. I felt like I took two bricks off of my shoulder and added five more, so much for relief. I released the breath that I had unknowing been holding and started walking away from Carlisle's study. My body knew where it needed to go before I did. I was walking down the all too familiar hallway. I raised my eyes from my feet when I reached Edward's room or what was left of his room.

His door was jarred up against the wall. Its hinges twisted inhumanly. I grimaced as I took in the destruction. Papers, broken , and cloths substituted as carpet. Broken furniture lay in rubbles against the cracked windows. Did he throw them?

I stepped in slowly trying not to step on his things. I bent down to pick up some of the torn pages, my curiosity getting the better of me.

_April 23, 1954 _

_How long am I to bear this…?_

I stopped reading realizing that these pages had come from his journals. He had given me permission to read them last summer, but I didn't think it was right. I looked around and saw that all of the pages had dates on them. He had destroyed almost all of his journals in his rage. I don't know why but it struck a chord in me. I started cleaning.

Being in his room surrounded by his smell and his written thoughts made me feel close to him, and it reminded me of the happier times I had in this room. I started off with all the torn journal pages. I only looked at the date and nothing else. After up righting his black leather sofa, I placed the organized pages on its surface. His clothes were next. I picked them up and hung them in his closet. I giggled as I realized that I was organizing by color. Curse my anal tendencies.

I looked down at the floor seeing if there was anything else. A gasped escaped my lips as I saw the ripped music paper. The remnants of his sheet music were torn across his room in bits. Tears dripped onto the lost melodies that I would never hear. After he left, music was lost to me. All dynamics of music tore at the hole inside my chest. No matter what the lyrics, I always related it back to him. I yearned to hear him play. My heart needed him to play for me.

I savaged what I could of his music but most of it was beyond saving. My tears dried as I finished but his room was still a disaster. I sat down on the floor in defeat because I knew that I had caused this destruction. He had needed me and I wasn't strong enough for him. I didn't know how I felt. I still had this anger towards him, but at the same time I was ready to put down my boxing gloves. I used my anger as a security blanket. Fighting was tiresome and agonizing. I needed to be free of this pain but could I let it go?

I don't know how long I sat in his room but Alice eventually came for me. A sad smile covered her face.

"The boys are returning from their hunt. We need to go before Edward gets back unless you want to say of course." After the break down in his room, I don't think I could take much more today.

"No, I need to go." My tone was flat.

"We all understand but believe it or not you are moving forward." I gave her my best attempt of a smile.

She held my hand as we descended the stairs. I gave Esme a hug before putting my shoes on. Then the thought occurred to me.

"Alice, I am so sorry. You were so excited for me to come over and I barely talked to you." I was terrible friend and I didn't deserve someone like Alice.

"Don't worry about it; you will make it up to me by going shopping this weekend." She squealed in delight. She probably planned the whole thing. Evil little pixie.

"We have to hurry because Edward is going to catch your scent in about 5 minutes and when he does there will be no stopping him. So let's go!"

We were down her driveway and on the road faster than what I thought was possible of my truck. Our drive was silent as Alice drove and kept up with her visions. Her eyes were fluttering on and off. I knew something was wrong when her knuckles clenched around my steering wheel.

"Alice, what is wrong? Is Edward all right?" Panic laced my voice.

"He reacted worse than I expected. I knew he would be upset but not at this magnitude." She whispered.

"What?" She was talking to herself not me.

"Bella, do you trust me?" I nodded yes as we pulled into my drive way. The urgency in her voice frightened me.

"Edward needs you. He will go to a very dark place if he doesn't see you right now. I know that we are asking a lot from you but we don't know what else to do. Please tell me that Emmett and Jasper can let him go. He is struggling to get to you as we speak." Alice is frantic. She is struggling between her brother and me.

"Let him come." I whisper. This pain has to stop.

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**I hoped you enjoyed the chapter. Please Review it fuels me to write even when I am exhausted! Again if anyone wants to Beta this story please email and I will definately reply back. Until next time~hnnaus**


	12. Chapter 12

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns everything from the Twilight Saga.

**Authors note: I really hope you like the chapter because it was really difficult to write. Anyways enjoy!**

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Chapter 12

Alice made the call to Jasper as soon as the words left my mouth. Her words were fast and short in her urgency. This path must have been crucial to Edward and me otherwise she wouldn't have interfered. There was a time when I had stopped fighting. Tonight, I feared that the current's pull would overcome my strength. I trusted that she knew what she was doing, because I was barely keeping my head above water.

"We have to get you into your room. He's coming." She said quickly as she literally pulled me out of the truck.

"Alice, I don't understand what happened." Her attitude was not helping my state of mind.

"I'm sorry. It's just that I'm upset with myself for not seeing that he would react that way."

"What way is that exactly?"

"I don't know everything, because I just have my visions and the second-hand information. Edward and the boys returned home shortly after we left which was the plan. Edward was distraught when he found out that he had just missed you, and he was angry at the family for keeping the information from him. His tantrum put toddlers to shame from what I could see." She chuckled but continued on for what seemed to be the worst part. "Everything was some-what under control until he went to his room. Edward saw what you did with his journals and everything else and just collapsed. He didn't move or make a sound for 5 minutes. It looked like he had reached his breaking point. The family thought that was the end of it. "Suddenly, he got back up and stormed out of his room demanding to see you. Bella, I have never seen so much pain in his eyes. No one should ever look the way he did at that moment." She laid me on the bed as she finished.

"Alice, I don't know what to do honestly. How am I supposed to relieve his guilt? I don't know…" Her bone chilling glare silenced me.

"You and I both know that this is more than guilt," She growled. "You are the only one who can fix this." I can't… "Stop that, you know and love him more than anybody else. You two are meant to be." Alice's voice sounded so sure. I wish I felt that way.

"I need to go. He will be here shortly, and it would be better if I wasn't here when he arrives." She pulled me into a tight hug. "Be strong," And with that she was gone and I was alone.

I felt him before I heard or saw him. He came through my window unnaturally with grace. His pants were muddy and his shirt was torn. I didn't know if it was the result of hunting or the fight against his brothers. The light from the moon causes his skin to glow eerily white. If I hadn't known that this was real, then I would have acknowledged him as a ghost. His hair was wind blown and disheveled. There was no organization to it. In any other situation, I would have laughed. I saved the best and worst for last. His eyes held so much beauty. They had the power to dazzle and torture me. When he left me, the bleakness behind them haunted me for months.

I wasn't prepared for the sight before me. His eyes lacked light and depth. There was nothing. His trembles blurred his image. I had never seen Edward less than perfect and controlled. The gasped that escaped my mouth could not be stopped. He took a strong step towards me.

"Wait, don't come any closer." My hand shot out in panic. My voice was sharp and unyielding. I was hiding behind angry Bella with my white flag grasped tightly in my hand.

"Bella, please." My resolve wavered at the sound of his broken velvet voice.

"No, I need to say this." I paused to see if he would listen. He looked to be battling with himself. I took advantage of his indecision. "If you plan to leave again once you get done playing with me then leave, please, right now." Realization came quickly as I comprehended the fact that I had unconsciously let myself hope. Hope would be the death of me. "Scratch that, just kill me. You owe me that much. Get a knife from the kitchen, simply snap my neck, or take my blood," It was yours to begin with. "All I ask is that you make it quick, clean, and…"

His hand was suddenly covering my mouth ending my pleas for death. His eyes held hatred and he seemed to be trembling violently with it, too. Why was he angry? I was making it easy for him.

He said through gritted teeth, "How can you say these things?" He paused in what looked to be a calming effort. His demeanor changed as he spoke his next words. "You're life is one of most precious things to me. I have always tried to preserve for you. Why do you want to throw it away?" He whispered.

I didn't know if he was referring to the cliff diving incident or the issue of my change. I needed to talk to him about it but that was for another time. I needed to heal the man that I had broken because he didn't leave. My white flag of surrender was flying high, because I couldn't hide behind my anger at this moment.

I pulled his hand from my mouth and held it tightly in hand. I brought my other hand to cup his cheek and couldn't help but trace his sculpted lips with my thumb. Would I ever be able to kiss him without this pain? My touch seemed to bring him relief. His posture relaxed and the panic behind his eyes lessened.

His hand tightened on mine, "I'm scared, Bella. I thought I lost you. I need you and I'm terrified of the idea of losing you when I just got you back. My perspective of life changed when you no longer brightened my sky." He paused to see if I was listening. "I need you to love me and I will try to regain your love for eternity if you let me." His devotion to me was overwhelming. I hated that so much needed to be said. I wished that I could have just buried myself into his arms and have kissed our problems away, but I knew that we couldn't. I had done that in past and look where it got us.

"It's not love that you need to regain. It has always been here. I love you, Edward, but I'm afraid, too. I don't trust the fact that you will stay. What are you going to do when trouble finds us again? I'm scared that you will run away in fear or escape into yourself with your self-hatred." He opened his mouth to argue, "Time, Edward, time."

Time would push us through struggles of love. Time could break us apart. Time gave us life. Ultimately, time proved that he would stay.

I lay back in my bed feeling my exhaustion. My eyes closed as my head hit the pillows. I waited to feel the springs give away to Edward but it never came. I opened my eyes quickly in panic.

"Edward?" It was terrifying how easily he could slip away.

"I'm here." He stood half way between my bed and my rocking chair. His body screamed with indecision.

"It's okay." I lifted the covers as a sign of invitation.

"I didn't want to assume." He whispered more to himself than to me. I hated how complicated things had become.

Edward didn't pull me into his arms like he usually did in the past. He curled himself into me. I opened my arms to him, and he rested his head between my breasts while listening to my heart beat for him. I intertwined my fingers into his hair while my other hand held his tightly in a lover's grasp. To any outside looker, it would have appeared that he was sleeping.

I thought it would be awkward holding Edward with my petite form but it was bliss. His powerful arms that could crush me in mere seconds relaxed like putty. His whole body submitted and softened from my touch. Alice had always said that I was the stronger one in the relationship. Tonight, I finally understood and accepted it.

I wasn't sure what happened tonight. There was so much still left unsaid. I needed to tell Edward about my change and it had to be sooner rather than later. I couldn't risk him learning it from his family and I made a promise to Carlisle.

I wanted Edward to be with me on this. I needed to share my insecurities and doubts. I can't do it alone. My heart can not take being told 'no' to forever any more. I knew that was not what he meant but it still comes down to the same thing. Broken and unwanted is how I felt. I can't live with this double life on unequal ground. I knew what I wanted even if I was scared. Now, I just needed Edward's support and understanding. It wasn't going to be easy.

Our separation didn't do us any justice. His was noble but it only brought out pain and misery on both of us. Mine was done out of fear and it only hurt us more. We can't run from our problems anymore. It will ultimately kill us and it nearly did.

I had forgotten all of those things as I looked at the broken boy in my arms. I kissed the top of his unruly hair before I allowed sleep to overcome me. Images of our meadow in bloom and his beautiful golden eyes pushed my mind into unconsciousness. Tomorrow was another day and hopefully it would bring Edward and me together once again.

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**Authors note: Again, I hope you enjoyed the chapter. Please review b/c this story lives off of its reviews and of course my imagination. I don't have much time to write because of my foreign exchange but my teachers were on strike today lol. But really, I love reviews and especially long reviews with opinions. Till next time~hnnaus **


	13. Chapter 13

**Authors Note: Well, here is the next chapter. It was difficult to write and I hope you guys like it :) You can thank french fall break for this update. Bon vacances!**

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Disclaimer: I do not own the Twilight Saga. Everything belongs to S. Meyer.

Chapter 13

My dream started out beautiful. I had been replaying all of the treasured memories that I had shared in our meadow. In those rare moments, I was gifted to see a free Edward. It was the Edward that I had come to love with all my being. He was freed from all pretenses and restrictions. I felt the freedom and realness of our relationship during those times. It made all the struggles and life threatening situations worth the love that we shared. It was always just us on those rare sunny days. Nothing else seemed to matter.

Everything happened so quickly that I didn't have time to prepare myself for the change. The temperature dropped suddenly causing my breath to appear in the air. The sky darkened as Edward began to disappear before my eyes. I tried with all my might to hang on to him but it was like holding onto air to keep from falling. I screamed his name hoping it would keep him with me. It only caused him to disappear faster. I was alone in the meadow. The flowers were no longer in bloom but were now dead from the frost. Freezing rain washed the tears from my face as I fled aimlessly around the meadow while desperation and panic brought me to the surrounding forest. Red eyes popped out everywhere I turned. I screamed for Edward to help me but he wouldn't come. There were no traces of him. His imprint from where he laid in the meadow was gone. I screamed until nothing would come out.

Everything started to shake and the horrifying images shattered like a baseball hitting glass. Simple blackness caressed my eyes as I slowly awoke from my nightmare. I didn't open my eyes out of habit. I learned that it was easier to stay in my nightmares than to wake up alone in my bedroom.

"Bella, please, wake up now." Edward was shaking me rather roughly. I opened my eyes to him trusting that he was really there. Disorientation clouded my thoughts.

"Thank, God, I don't understand. I was only gone for a minute."

"You were gone," I choked out.

His next words were rushed and laced with guilt, "Charlie came in when you started tossing and turning. I hid outside your window. Bella, I heard every scream and felt every terror from his mind. It only made it more real to see it first hand." He paused, "Whatever it is, I will protect you."

It wasn't the fear of death or the red eyes that made me scream. 'It will be as if I never existed.' That phrase has brought more fear and pain into my life above anything else. I was forced to try and it literally brought me running towards death. I can't live in a world where Edward doesn't exist. I needed him and that was why I was fighting through this pain.

I shook my head needing to dispel the dream from my head because I had more pressing matters to deal with. Today was going to be painful but I knew it had to be done. I needed to put the past months behind me and finally move on. Unfortunately that meant bringing up the forbidden topic of my change with Edward.

I brought my hand to Edward's cheek for reassurance, "Hey, shhh, I am…."

"Don't you dare say fine? You and I are both far from fine." His temper leaked out from his voice. I cringed.

Complete honesty was the only way to come back from this. Maybe all of this could have been avoided if I had admitted my fears to him.

"Okay, I am not fine but I am better." Edward's face softened at my acknowledgement.

"Maybe you should try to go back to bed. It's only 5:00 a.m," he said unsurely.

"I'm already up." Sleep didn't seem all that appealing at the moment.

I took a deep breath, "We need to talk about last night and everything that has happened to us."

I could see the muscles in Edward's neck tense. His back straightened while his eyes turned a shade darker.

"Relax, I'm not going to run away. We can't push our problems under the rug and pretend that they are not there. We have to come back from this to move forward," I grasped his hand with mine to emphasis my point. He intertwined our other hands and relaxed his posture. Then, I was scared because this was it and I really had no clue what I was doing.

"I'm going to go first, okay," he nodded. "How could you leave knowing how much I loved you?"

His lowered head, "I was in denial of your love. You couldn't possibly love me as much as I loved you. I'm a monster."

"Edward, look at me. You are not a monster and let yourself think of the possibility that I love you as much as you love me because it's true." I could feel my tears threatening to overflow but I held them back needing to be a full participate in this moment.

"Bella, I had to die to tell you those lies in the forest. I was cold to you because I was cold inside. I'm so sorry, and I will make it up to you for the rest of my existence if you will let me. Will you have me? I need to here you say it."

"Edward, I don't think I ever let you go," I whispered.

Suddenly, I was on my back with Edward above me. His body covered mine while his hands held my hands captive. I could taste his breathe as his forehead rested against mine.

"I need you, Isabella," he drawled with lust. His tone sent shivers down my body and left me tingling. He lips were slightly parted with his tongue resting on the inside of his bottom lip. He was begging me.

"Yes," I answered his silent question. I was done fighting.

His lips were on mine with no hesitation. He suckled, licked, and brushed my lips like a dying man in need of air. He punished my lips for our time apart. I had to turn my head away to breathe and when I did he moved to worshipping my neck. It was blissfully painful. Every kiss stitched the tares in my heart.

"Ugh, Edward," he moved from my neck back to my already pulsing lips ultimately silencing my moans. This kiss was uncontrolled and pushed our boundaries. Our breaths were ragged and raw. It represented all of the pain and heartbreak we had inflected on each other.

I lost track of time because it seemed to have stopped all together. Eventually, Edward slowed resting his forehead on mine. As we caught our breath, he released my hands and I took the opportunity to tangle them in his unruly locks.

"Thank you," Edward said while he pulled back to look me in the eyes.

"For what?"

"For giving me the second chance that I don't deserve and for loving me as I love you," His eyes glowed with declaration and pure fascination.

I wanted to say something monumental but I couldn't think of anything worthy to say. I smiled hoping he would see the adoration and love behind my eyes. He smiled back while we just laid there and took each other in.

Time caught up with us. I looked over to the clock and about had a heart attack. It was 7:50. Shit, school. As I struggled to get out of bed, Edward's arms tightened around me.

"Edward, school."

"Bella, there is no way that you are going to make it," He chuckled. He was right and my stupid useless alarm clock confirmed it. Plus, today was special and I still needed to tell Edward about my change. I cringed again.

"What's the matter?" He never misses a thing. "If you're worried about school then I can have Carlisle write a doctor's excuse."

"It's not that," I couldn't put this off anymore. "I need to talk to you about something and I am worried about your reaction." His brow furrowed in confusion.

I decided to not explain further because one can not baby this subject with Edward. "I talked with Carlisle privately yesterday. He's going to change me after graduation. This is my decision and he has given me his word."

When I looked up at Edward, his face was blank. The poker face was never a good sign. I looked deep into his eyes knowing the answer to his feeling laid there. There was fire burning behind them. At that moment, I believed that he was capable of murder.

Edward growled, "He wouldn't dare, absolutely not."

"I asked him. I'm not going to let the Volturi come down on our family. This is bigger than just us." Please don't argue with me.

He didn't say anything but I could see from his face that he was still being arrogant and stupid on this matter. We had come so far this morning and I wasn't going to throw it away.

"You said that you will spend the rest of eternity making this up to me if I let you but it isn't me stopping you. You can't spend the rest of your existence with me if I'm dead."

"I'll follow you as soon as I can," he whispered.

"Edward, you can't do that to your family." Did he not learn anything from our adventure in Italy?

"And, I can't live in a world where you don't exist."

"You don't have to lose me. I'm right here and I'm telling you that I want you forever." I paused needing to get my thoughts together. He didn't understand what his denial did to me. I had to make him understand. "Why don't you want me? Is it because you won't love me when I'm not warm and soft? Are you afraid of being with me forever? These are the questions that run through my mind. These are my doubts because actions speak louder than words, Edward. I need you to be there for me. This is going to happen whether you like it or not. The question is… are you going to be my partner? I hate fighting with you. I need your support more than ever." These were my battles and the inter-workings of my mind.

Neither of us said anything for long time. I didn't have anything else to say while Edward seemed to have a hard time processing my words. He continued on with his poker face and cold stance but behind his eyes an emotional storm was brewing. There were too many emotions to follow, but eventually he settled on one. My heart soared as I say acceptance.

"I don't love you because you're warm and soft. I love you because you're brave, stubborn, selfless, and a hundred other things. I have always wanted eternity with you, and I'm afraid forever won't be enough. This is your decision, and I will stand there supporting you in all your actions while holding your hand. I was wrong before and again I'm sorry. I won't let this come between us." He stopped taking in an unnecessary deep breathe. His eyes locked with mine pulling me into him, "I only ask one thing." I nodded for him to continue. What could I possibly give him that he doesn't already have?

"Marry me, first."

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**Authors note: I hope this chapter lived up to your expectations. Please review and I absolutely love long thoughtful ones. I am thinking about making an Edward's point of view for one of the chapters but idk. Tell me what you think or which chapter you would like me to do if i do it. Till next time~hnnaus**


	14. Chapter 14

**Authors note: So this chapter is kinda short so I am apologizing before hand. Before you read, I just want to thank everyone that took their time to read. I am so glad that you guys have liked the story and I appreciate all of the constructive critism. The story is coming to a close but I am not sure how many more chapters there will be. My guess is about 2 or 3. This will include some kind of epiloge and there will probably be an edward's p.o.v. As always, Enjoy!**

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Disclaimer: I do not own the Twilight Saga. Everything belongs to S. Meyer.

Chapter 14

My first reaction was horror, because I grew up with a different perspective on marriage. Renee did everything except from literally pounding the idea into my head. I was taught to cringe at the thought of marrying young. I lived through my parent's divorce and grew up with the negatives of it. My problems with receiving gifts branched from my parent's divorce. They were always trying to one up each other or apologize for the things they put me through. I grew up a little too quickly and lost out on some of my childhood experiences. Somewhere in the transition of everything, I became more of a mother to Renee than a daughter.

My heart rejoiced at the idea of marrying Edward. Being bound to him in everyway humanly possible would be a dream. For a split second, I could see myself walking down an aisle in a simple, elegant white gown. It was picturesque.

Dreams were illusions and well reality was real. I came back to the world as I felt Edward tug my hand rather roughly. I didn't want to say this but it was the truth.

"Edward, we're not ready. I can't, no," I whispered the answer knowing that I was going to hurt him. I had already caused us so much pain but this time it really was necessary.

"I don't understand," he pouted. The combination of his pout, sex hair, and swallowing eyes made this almost impossible.

"I love you, I do, but you just came back. I still have to learn to trust you again and learn to ease this pain in my heart. It still hurts." Pain from our separation flooded into his eyes mixed with rejection. I cupped his cheek hoping it would make him relax. "I haven't lived in so long. I can't believe I'm saying this but I want some normalcy in my life. Alice parading around with wedding plans is defiantly not normal," I paused. "Let's not rush this, us." I already felt rushed. If someone would have told me a week ago that Edward Cullen of all people was going to propose to me in my kitchen, I would have asked them what they were smoking and if I could get some.

He smiles, "I can live with that for now, but I need you to know that I'm not giving up," I groan. I can see the mischief in his eyes. God give me strength. He continued, "If you marry me, I'll change you myself." If my eyes could have popped out of my head then they would be rolling on the ground at this very moment.

Edward leaned closer as he spoke his next words, "I want you to be mine in everyway. I want it to my bite mark and my venom that eternally binds you to me," he sneered. A possessive growl rumbled from his lips. His eyes changed from burning gold to glistening black from the beginning to the end of his sentence. His words evoked something in me and I was panting hard. He was impossibly close. His hands ghosted over my body until they suddenly held me in place.

"Let me give you some encouragement." I wanted him. My hormones were everywhere. I was an emotional mess one minute and impossibly turned-on and heated the next. Only he could do this to me.

Suddenly he stopped and groaned. What? I was confused for a split-second and then I heard the phone ring. It was my turn to groan in frustration.

"I better get that. It's probably Charlie calling to see if I went to school," Edward nodded in agreement.

I squirmed out of Edward's grasp and reached the phone by the third ring.

"Hello," I said breathlessly. I was still worked up from our previous activities.

"Are the Cullens here to stay?" Oh my gosh, Jacob. The last time I saw or spoke to him, I was off to my death. I have been so caught up with everything that I forgot to call. He was probably worried sick. He knew more than anyone else as to what was really going on.

"Ugh yes but Jake…" I should have been angry with his tone but after everything I have put him through…well I don't blame him.

"Okay then, well that's all I needed so yah."

"Wait, Jake, please don't do this. We need to talk. Is there anytime that I could come see you?" I jumped at Edward's sudden growl. 'What the hell?'

"You made your decision. It doesn't matter now anyways because I don't think you can."

"What do you mean I can't? What did I decide?" My voice was rising with anger while trying to overcompensate for Edward's growling.

"I have to go," he said abruptly.

"This isn't over," I yelled through the phone but the line was already dead. Damn it, Jacob. I slammed the phone back into its holder.

When I turned around from the phone, Edward was visibly shaking with anger. His eyes were still black but from a totally different emotion. I looked at him with the same confusion as before except this time my full attention was on him.

"Is something wrong Edward? Is someone here?" I was getting paranoid. My sudden panic seemed to pull him out of whatever was going through his mind.

"No ones here. You're safe." I wasn't worried about myself. I was worried about him.

"I don't understand. Why are you so upset?" He may have relaxed a bit but the emotional storm cloud was still behind his eyes.

"Bella, you can't go down to La Push to see Jacob." His tone was dark and demanding. I didn't like it one bit.

"And why is that?" I replied with my own form of authority.

"Werewolves are dangerous and unpredictable creatures. You can't possibly expect me to let you willing go into danger. I am not asking, I'm telling you that I will not take that risk," he exasperated. He was daring me to defy him. Challenge accepted.

"No, Edward, I am telling you. Jake is not dangerous. I went down there for months and they protected me from Victoria. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for them. So do not preach to me about safety."

"But," I cut him off.

"Edward, you're not my keeper. It is not your job to rule my life! We're supposed to guide each other through it." Why did everything have to be black and white to him? Anything that could be considered dangerous was black as pitch. There was grey and lots of it.

I walked over to the kitchen and sat down while laying my head on the table. I needed a little break and I wasn't ready to talk or to listen to whatever he had to say. Oh course, Edward couldn't allow such peace.

"Bella," he asked.

"Look at me, please," nothing. "Then say something," silence. I felt a pulling on my arms and I knew he wasn't going to let this go. I look at him with tearful eyes.

There was something else going on here. If my safety was the sole issue then he would have simply panicked at the idea of werewolves.

"Edward is there something else going on here," I asked knowingly.

"My sole concern here is your safety." He was getting defensive.

"That is a bunch of bull, Edward. Does this have anything to do with being immortal enemies?"

"No of course not," he scoffed. His eyes narrowed while fists tightened allowing all the pieces of the puzzle came together before my eyes. He may be a vampire but he was also a man. My Edward was jealous.

"Edward, are you jealous?" I couldn't help but laugh.

"This isn't funny Bella."

"You have no reason to be. I'm yours."

"You're very close to him, and he can give you so many things that can't. He can give you a human life and children." The look of torment and self-hatred was back.

"First off, Jake is just a friend. He wants more but I could never give him enough. Secondly, Edward, I don't want children or a normal human life. I raised Renee and that is enough for me. I need to be with you. So get those ideas out of your head now." I knew what I wanted and I didn't need him telling me what I should want. I get enough of that from Jake and Charlie. He didn't answer but Rome wasn't built in a day. This wasn't over unfortunately.

After a few minutes he asked, "So, what do you want to do today?"

"Umm, I don't know. We could go to your house I guess." What did I want to do?

"No, I am not in the mood to share you. Can we just stay here?"

"Are you sure? It will be pretty boring." I desperately needed to clean the house.

"Positive, my definition of heaven is being able to touch you whenever I want to. I just need to feel close to you today, because I still can't believe you took me back."

"Edward, you always had me," I said trying to reassure him of my love.

"Now come on, let's go do some laundry."

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**Authors note: Thanks for reading and please review! Your reviews feed my already overactive imagination. I can barely pay attention in my school in France. My prof goes on and on about Europe history or the fables by la fontaine while i'm thinking hmmm what are Bella and Edward going to do today. fml ~hnnaus **


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